


You've Got to Hold On

by Chrisinele_hime



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Dean in Hell, Drama, Fallen Angels, Fallen Castiel, Family Drama, Flashbacks, Forgiveness, Kevin Lives, M/M, Mark of Cain, Men of Letters Bunker, Minor Character Death, Reconciliation, Romance, Torture, Torturer Dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-07
Updated: 2014-03-16
Packaged: 2018-01-14 21:08:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 38,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1278868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chrisinele_hime/pseuds/Chrisinele_hime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story is my take of Season 9 after I watched the third episode. After Dean asks Castiel to leave the bunker, the Hunter tells him why he needs to leave. Dean realizes that this might be his last chance to tell his Angel that he loves him, but all is not well in Paradise. Dean starts to recall a set of memories of Hell different than the ones he thought he experienced. What do these memories have to do with Castiel? Now that Sam is free from Gadreel, he and Castiel have to find a way to stop him and Metatron. Dean is stuck with Crowley and the mark that will Demonize him all over again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Goodbye For Now

**Author's Note:**

> So this story started as a one-shot I wrote after I had watched the third episode of season 9. The divergence begins where they ended the episode when Dean asked Castiel to leave the bunker. Then, people wanted a sequel...and then another lol After that I just decided to write my own version of this season. Things are in a different order, there are explanations of things that were implied that I felt needed to be spelled out.

Dean had to turn away from Ezekiel after he was given the ultimatum. It sucked that everyone knew his weakness. He couldn't bear the thought of Sam being completely taken over by Zeke and leaving if he let Castiel stay. The other scary thing was that the thought of asking Castiel to leave pained him just as much as the threat of Ezekiel leaving. He was being torn asunder and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. _Why me? Why can't I just have a normal life where I don't have to choose between my brother and my best friend? Hell. Best friend doesn't even cover half the shit I feel for Cas._

The eldest Winchester makes his way into the room where Castiel is contentedly eating his burrito. He can see those blue eyes light up when he says they have to talk. His heart breaks when he sees those azure eyes staring back at him in fear and confusion after being asked to leave.

Castiel slowly puts down his food and swallows with difficulty as his throat feels constricted and his lungs are trying to regain normal function. He looks down at his feet so that he can spare Dean the weakness that is now pooling at the corners of his eyes. "I-I understand, Dean. Our friendship is irreparably broken and having me around would just be a burden to you...the only thing I ask is that I be allowed to stay the night. But if that is too much to ask then I can leave right now. You need only say so." Castiel wipes at his eyes quickly and takes a deep stuttering breath as he finishes his statement. He cannot make himself look at Dean for fear of seeing a disgusted expression on his face.

It is quiet for a moment longer before Dean replies. "Cas, look, it's not you. I kinda prayed to you the other day before I found out you had your Grace taken, but...I've already forgiven you, buddy. For everything that you've done and might do because, honestly, I'd rather have you in my life for the wrong reasons than not in it at all for the right reasons, d'you understand?" He reached out to grip Castiel's shoulder and felt that he was shaking. He wasn't prepared for the crying face of the Angel in front of him. And that's "Angel" with a capital "A" because he will always be one to Dean.

"Then why are you asking me to leave, Dean? This kindness is confusing! Your anger would have been less painful," Castiel whispers as if he was afraid speaking any louder would bring the yelling he had been expecting.

The Hunter doesn't know if he can handle this, but Castiel has the right to know why he's being forced out the door. He bites down on his lip as he forms the words. "Look, it's Sam," he breathes, "Ezekiel is in him right now and he doesn't know; he's trying to heal himself and Sam at the same time. Zeke thinks that having you around will bring the Angels to us and he says he's not strong enough to take care of us if you attract them here. He told me that if you don't leave that he will and I can't deal with that. I just can't let him leave with Sammy when they're both so fragile, man! God, and it sucks because you're going to think that you're expendable to me and you're not! But I don't know what else to do, Cas!" By now he was speaking through his hands because he could feel a headache coming on and it was hard enough trying not to get emotional while looking at his Angel. Yes, his. He's not sure when he became possessive over Castiel, but he thinks that it probably happened when they were in Hell.

Castiel takes a second to breathe and calm himself before resting a tentative hand on Dean's knee. If Dean has been forced to make a decision then the least he can do is make it easier for him. "I will leave now, then," he answers before softly getting up from his seat and making his way out the bunker.

Dean has barely registered what came out of the Angel's mouth before Castiel was halfway across the room with a foot on the stairs that lead outside. Before he could stop himself, he jumped out of his seat and grabbed Castiel's wrist and turned him so that they faced each other. "What are you doing, Dean?! Let me go! You're putting yourself and your brother at risk by keeping me here and I refuse to be the cause of more hardship between you anymore! I'm trying to make this easier for you. Don't make this harder than it already is," Castiel pleaded. He refused to look at his Hunter in the eyes because he wasn't strong enough to deal with all these emotions.

"There ain't nothing easy about this, Cas, and I'm not letting you leave until you've got everything you'll need to survive without us. I think it'll be ok for you to stay at least one night anyway, man. C'mon," said Dean as he turned to lead them away from the stairs, but was stopped when Castiel tried to pull out of his grip.

"Dean that is not wise-"

"I don't care what's _wise_ , Cas, I care about _you_!" Dean yells in response. He's more mad at himself and this shit hole he calls a life than he is at Castiel but he knows that the other man will understand. Dean angrily grabs the Angel's hand and rushes him towards one of the bedrooms. He doesn't let go of his hand until they're in the middle of a mostly barren bedroom. "This is your room," Dean says to break the silence.

"My room?" Castiel asks tentatively as he slowly walks into the room.

"Yeah. It's right next to mine. I even put stuff in here from the storage that reminded me of you or I thought might interest you," replied Dean with a nervous cough.

Castiel glances around the room and notices various objects that are the same shade of blue as his eyes littered at random on desks and drawers around the room. There are weapons lining the walls as well but the thing that stood out the most to him was a pair of figurines on one of the bed side tables.

They were minimalist in nature but they were still distinguishable as himself and Dean looking into each other's eyes, as was their habit. The shorter one had blue eyes, and the wood in place of his hair was stained dark brown and had miniature wings placed on its back. The wings were painted black with blue highlights. Castiel is sure he has never made his wings materialize on this plane in front of Dean before and is surprised that the man instinctually knew what they looked like. The taller one has green eyes and little dots for freckles all across the cheeks.

There was also something intimate in the way the figures were naked but not in any way was it crude. They were positioned in such a way that they were holding each other around the waist. Their faces were close to each other and they gave the impression of two people that were close physically yet far away and it reminded the Angel of their relationship. It left him breathless.

"Did you make these, Dean?" Castiel asked in a whisper as he went to touch them as delicately as possible.

"Y-yeah. I did," the hunter answered hesitantly.

"I didn't know you had this talent."

"I didn't either, actually," Dean chuckled nervously, "I just found a piece of wood and some carving tools and kind of just went at it."

"They're beautiful," said the Angel as he caressed the face of the figure representative of Dean. He turned to find the Hunter standing directly behind him and his breath caught in his throat. _Will it finally happen?_ he thought to himself. Castiel could feel that familiar magnetic pull towards Dean and found himself leaning forward slowly. He will not deny the fact that he has harbored feelings for his charge for what felt like centuries. He could feel Dean's breath on his lips, but right before they met, Dean pulled away with a pained look on his face. He doesn't need to be an Angel to know the turmoil that is whirling around in his Hunter's mind. _Another time, another place perhaps._

Dean knows that _God_ knows he wants to kiss the man in front of him but he can't bring himself to do it. He knows where it would lead and he's aware that the repercussions of those actions were sure to be heartache and loss as was his experience with all of his relationships. If he was going to do something like that with Castiel, it was going to mean something and there was going to be a promise of more to come. He's a 35 year old man and he's done with the one night stands and the faceless/nameless girls. He wants a relationship that means something to him. Castiel is that person but this is not the time because he has to leave. He backs away from the Angel and clears his throat.

"Let's pack you a bag," Dean says with a broken smile as he turns to leave the room and enter his own with Castiel trailing him. He reaches into the bottom of his closet and pulls out an empty duffle bag. He starts flipping through his clothes and tossing whatever doesn't fit anymore onto his bed. Once he has a sizable pile, he starts folding them and placing them in the bag. All the while, both men are quiet as if afraid to break whatever fragile peace there is right now. Dean goes into his en suite bathroom and takes out any toiletries Castiel will need on his journey and places those in the bag as well.

Lastly, Dean takes out his wallet and places all of his money into one of the socks he has given to the Angel. "I'll be right back," Dean says as hurries from the room.

Castiel sits on the edge of the bed and leans his elbows on his thighs and runs his fingers through his hair in despair. The tension between him and Dean is heart wrenching and more so for the Angel since he is still new to many of the emotions running amok in his mind. It was easier to ignore them as an Angel. The impending doom of his departure feels enough to tear him apart. He straightens up as hears Dean making his way back to the room.

"Alright, Cas. I've got you some cell phones that Charlie rigged for us so that we don't have to keep buying minutes. I'm giving you more than one so that if you lose one or something, you've got another. I got you a couple of credit cards and IDs too so you don't have to worry about starving or not having a place to stay. If we ever happen to be doing a job and you're close by...I'll make sure to bring you anything you need. I just want you to go around and do whatever the hell you want, dude. Sight-see, hike, whatever your little heart desires."

Castiel had to work hard to refrain from saying that his heart can't have what it desires since he is having to leave Dean behind, but he decided against it and merely nodded in response.

"OK, I'm gonna put this in your room and I'll meet you in the kitchen. I'm gonna make something extra special for dinner." As Dean made his way out the door he stopped abruptly and turned to Castiel once again. "Remember, Sammy doesn't know about Zeke. If he asks where you're going, just follow my lead, ok?"

"Yes, of course, Dean."

"Also, you're going to need to buy underwear 'cause I've got to draw the line somewhere, dude," Dean chuckles as he turns out of the room.

* * *

As Castiel made his way into the kitchen he saw that it was empty and he couldn't have asked for more. He didn't want to talk to anyone just yet. He had a lot of things he still needed to process about his situation and adding Sam or Kevin to the mix wouldn't be good right now. He had been looking forward to coming to stay in the bunker with the boys and here it is being pulled out from beneath him, and there was nobody there to catch him as he fell.

The eldest Winchester makes his way to the kitchen but pauses for a moment to collect his thoughts that he had been pointedly avoiding while in the presence of the Angel. He nearly kissed Castiel 15 minutes ago and they're both ignoring that fact. The thing is...earlier he had been sure that this was the best course of action but now...not so much. This is his last guaranteed chance to let all of these things off his chest and he doesn't know if he will ever get another. Hell, he's avoided this for long enough as it is. It's been around 5 years since he was gripped tight and raised from Perdition and it's about time he raised Castiel back from the dead, too. Now, he just needed the right window.

* * *

Later, as the brothers and the Angel ate their dinner (Dean's special burgers, fries, and homemade apple pie) Sam decided to break the awkward silence that was suffocating everyone in the room.

"So, Cas, how'd you like your room?" he asked looking pointedly at Dean. He has seen those figurines, he's not stupid. If anything, it solidified every theory he had about the two men across from him.

"I like it very much," Castiel answered looking up briefly to address Sam and then back down towards his food.

"Yeah? Dean spent forever putting it together. Wouldn't let me pick anything to go in there," Sam replied with a pointed smile at his now blushing brother. He totally deserves an award for being the best little bro.

"Is that so?" asked Castiel looking in Dean's direction with a twinkle of amusement in his eye.

"Well, yeah!" blurted Dean. "I couldn't let that numskull pick stuff for your room. He wouldn't know what to put in there," he added defensively.

Sam snorted into his food as Castiel let a small smile creep onto his face before it fell into a sad expression. "It is a shame, then, that I will only be enjoying it for one night," said Castiel solemnly.

Sam dropped his fork and looked sternly at his brother, "What's he talking about, Dean?"

The elder brother closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, but didn't say anything.

Castiel cleared his throat to bring the attention back onto himself. "Actually, it's my decision, Sam. I am a threat to your well being here. Angels will one day come looking for me and I don't want to risk your safety. Dean has been trying to convince me to stay but I will hear none of it."

Sam's mouth was wide open in confusion and staring between the two men in front of him. He knew his brother would be an idiot about his feelings for the Angel, but he didn't it know it would be this bad. Well, if Dean won't help himself then Sam is more than willing to grovel for his brother's chance at happiness. "Obviously Dean didn't try hard enough if you're still leaving! You have no idea how much this guy hurts when you're missing, Cas! He's a mess when you're not here-"

"Sam, that's enough! We're not going to talk about this. Cas is leaving because he wants to and that's that!" Sam is taken aback by the ferocity of Dean's words. He's aware that he may have crossed a line but these guys have been avoiding the inevitable for too long.

"Whatever," Sam spits out as he angrily leaves the rest of his dessert on the table and makes his way to his bedroom. Dean doesn't breathe until he hears Sam's door slam shut.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I thought that was the best way to handle the question of my leaving," whispered Castiel.

"I gotta admit it didn't go the way I thought it would, Cas, but...at least we got that out of the way. Samantha must be on her period or something."

* * *

An hour later, Castiel and Dean make their way towards their bedrooms. Dean pauses in front of his door and softly wishes Castiel a good night before hurriedly going into his room and abruptly shutting the door. Castiel heaves a sigh as he makes his way into his own room and slowly strips down to his boxers after closing the door. He climbs into his bed and feels his body relax almost immediately into the memory foam mattress.

In his own room, Dean is restlessly tossing and turning, his stomach in knots. A part of him wants to be selfish for the both of them but the part of him that doesn't want to deal with the aftermath is keeping him glued to his bed. His window of opportunity is closing quickly and here he is being a coward.

For as long as he can remember, he has never felt this particular kind of need within him. If he needed a fuck, he went and found one. Simple as that. From the day he met Castiel, however, his number of conquests has diminished with increasing frequency and his dreams drifted from the voluptuous forms of busty asian beauties to that of a blue eyed Angel. It took him a long time to get over the fact that Castiel in his true form may not have a gender but that he is currently residing in a very male vessel that he won't be leaving. Once he came to terms with that, however, Dean had come to the realization that he wasn't just looking for a one night stand with Castiel. In fact, he caught himself in many a day dream that were entirely too domestic for his consciousness to swallow which only scared him and made him push the man away.

Yet, despite the betrayal he went through with Castiel a few years back, those feelings were ever present. If anything, they were stronger. He knew they had to be because he had found it within himself to forgive the Angel over and over and over. This would probably always be the case when it came to Castiel.

Dean steels himself, finally, and gets out of bed and quietly walks into his Angel's room. It is now or never.

* * *

Castiel was in that midway point between the waking and slumbering world when he heard the door to his room open. He doesn't need to open his eyes to know that it's Dean.

"Is something the matter, Dean?" he whispers. Surely the only reason Dean would bother him would be for help.

"Actually...yes. Yes there is," the hunter answers as his goes to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Is it Sam? How may I be of assistance?" Castiel asks as he tries to sit up only to find Dean's hand on his chest stopping him. "Dean wha-" He is cut off from asking his question by a pair of tentative lips on his own. Before he loses himself in the sensation, he pushes Dean back with a confused glint in his eye and a tilt to his head. "What're you doing, Dean?" This is more than he could have hoped for, but he can't help but question the motives behind Dean's actions. He doesn't want to explore a new side to their relationship one time and then be forced to forget about it.

"I honestly don't know. I just know that you and I have been skirting around this thing-this mutual feeling we have between us for too fucking long and this might be the only time I ever get to express it to you," Dean stated in a hurry as if afraid that if it wasn't said quick enough, it wouldn't be said at all. "I don't know if something will happen to me or to you and I never see you again, and I don't want to regret never having taken this step with you."

"Are you propositioning me for sex?" Castiel can feel his heart constricting at the thought that this will merely be a romp in the sheets for Dean; another notch in his belt.

"No. I'm asking for permission to make love to you, Cas, as corny as that sounds," Dean chuckled nervously.

"Isn't that the same thing?" asked Castiel in a perplexed tone.

"No, and I'd like to show you the difference. If you want, that is," replied Dean as he brushed his hand nervously through the hair at the back of his head.

"Will I regret this later?" asks Castiel before he can stop himself.

Dean knows that the next thing out of his mouth will determine how this will go.

"Listen, the only other person that I ever felt this strongly for was named Cassie. She and I didn't work for reasons that don't matter right now, but when I heard your name for the first time, I just knew you were going to be something special to me. And you are, man. That whole 'profound bond' spiel that you gave a few years ago is one of many things I would like to call this thing. I just-I want one night with you now as a promise that the next time I see you and every time after that, will end in this way. But it's not about the sex, Cas, I need you to understand that I want to build something with you that will blow everything else away. You're always going to be my Angel, Cas, literally and figuratively and," he said as he brought a hand to the other man's face, "I want to give you your wings back if only for tonight."

Castiel was at a loss for words. Dean had been more expressive in the last 4 minutes than he has been in his whole life up until now, and he can't let this go to waste. He brought a shaky hand to cup Dean's cheek lovingly. "Please, Dean. Show me what it means to have wings again," he whispered, "I need to remember what it means to soar."

That was the only answer Dean needed and he leaned into the hand stroking his face before bringing himself down over Castiel.

The hunter ran his tongue along the seam of Castiel's lips and surged the organ forward when he felt the Angel gasp, winning the fight for dominance not long after. Just as it was getting difficult to breathe, Dean moved his attention to the smaller man's jaw. He reveled in the feel of stubble on stubble against his cheek as he ventured further and grabbed the lobe of Castiel's ear between his teeth. The man underneath him shuddered and thrust his hips upwards in response to the sensation.

Dean couldn't help the chuckle that escaped him.

"That's not funny, Dean, my ears are sensitive," Castiel stated sternly.

"I know, I'm sorry," the hunter chuckled. He continued his exploration of the writhing being in front of him until Castiel was an utter moaning, breathless mess. Dean had never taken so much time to worship the body of another as he was doing now. There wasn't a centimeter of skin untouched and Castiel's body was flushed to match the many marks Dean had taken the time to make.

"D-Dean...please...too much-can't-" stuttered Castiel.

"Shhh, sweetheart. It's alright. Be patient, I ain't through with you just yet," the eldest Winchester breathed against plump lips.

Castiel whimpered when Dean got up to rummage through one of the drawers for lube. When he turned back around, Castiel was running his hand along his length.

"Ah-ah, Castiel. Can't have you hurrying this along," said Dean as he came back and pulled Castiel's hands away. "Can you spread your legs for me, darlin'?" As Castiel complies with his request, Dean lays down with his face very near the Angel's member. He tests the waters a little by licking a tentative stripe on the underside of his soon-to-be-lover's cock.

"Dean what are you doing?"

"Do ya trust me, Cas?"

"Yes."

"Then lay back and relax, babe."

Dean returns to his task and takes Castiel into his mouth. Immediately he feels hands in his hair, gripping almost too tight. He uses his tongue as a distraction for what his fingers are doing.

Castiel is lost in the sensation of Dean's tongue until he feels fingers toying with his entrance. He hurried to relax, though, because he'd watched humanity long enough to know that tensing up would only make this more painful. When the hunter had three fingers moving in and out of him, the Angel had decided that he was done being patient.

"Dean. Enough. I can't take much more," Castiel's voice cut though the heavy breathing curtly.

"Alright, alright," answered Dean after he pulled away from the celestial being in front of him. He rose up from the bed to take off his own underwear and released his aching erection to the cold air with a hiss. He grabbed the bottle of lube again and slathered an adequate amount onto his member before leaning over Castiel. "Are you ready, Castiel?" he breathed over parted lips.

Castiel nodded and brought their lips together. Dean entered the Angel with great care all the while laying kisses everywhere he could reach. Once fully seated, he laid still to allow for both to grow accustomed to being whole in each other.

"Dean, you may move," moaned Castiel after a few moments.

"You sure?"

"Yes." The word was hardly out of his mouth before Dean pulled back and set a slow rhythm, ending each forward thrust with a roll of his hips. The hunter continued showering his Angel with kisses, running a hand through his hair and pulling slightly to gauge a reaction out of him. The low groan and scratch of fingers down his back were a positive indication that Dean was pushing all the right buttons so far but there was one thing that seemed just outside of his gras-

"Oh, _fuck_ , Dean. Do that again!" moaned Castiel wantonly. The green eyed man had to pause for a moment to look down at the man beneath him in confusion. He's never heard Castiel curse before.

"Why in the name of everything holy did you stop, Dean?" demanded Castiel aggravatedly.

"There ain't nothing holy about what we're doing, Cas," chuckled Dean.

"That is still not sufficient reasoning to cease your ministrations."

Dean smirked before continuing at a faster pace than before, making sure to hit that same place within Castiel.

"God, Dean," breathed Castiel as he ran a hand through his hair. "You feel so good, Dean-GOD-"

"Never knew I'd find blasphemy so fucking hot," whispered Dean in the Angel's ear.

"Fuck, Dean. Don't stop. Deeaaaannn." That last version of his name set Dean afire from within. He knew he was close but he wanted to make sure that Castiel finished first.

"Cas, come for me, baby. Let go," Dean sped up and slammed in a little harder and Castiel was meeting him thrust for thrust. The Angel's breaths were erratic and uneven and his moans were getting increasingly louder and louder. Finally, his orgasm hit him and he clenched down on Dean. Castiel arched into the man above him, grasping the sheets beneath him. This feeling coursing through him was identical to the exhilaration he felt when flying, and he wished that he could feel this way forever.

Seeing Castiel lose himself so wantonly made Dean go over the edge into his own release. After coming down from their highs, Dean pulled out of his lover and laid next to him gasping for breath.

"Can you stay with me the rest of the night, Dean?" inquired Castiel quietly.

"Wouldn't dream of leaving, Cas. Just...don't leave tomorrow without saying goodbye."

"I won't."

Dean laid an arm around Castiel's waist to bring him in closer before falling asleep with his nose in Castiel's hair.

* * *

The following morning Dean awoke to an empty bed and he immediately panicked. _Should have known that bastard was going to do this._ But maybe it was for the best. If Castiel had stayed he might not have allowed him to leave at all. He begrudgingly got out of bed and just as Dean was walking into his bedroom, he heard his cell phone ringing. He ran over to it and caught it right before it cut to voicemail.

"Hello, Dean," came a somber voice.

"Hey, Cas. What did I tell you about leaving before saying goodbye?" he asked sternly.

"It was better this way. I'd still be there if I had awakened you." Dean knew he was right, of course, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt like a son of a bitch.

"I miss you already, Cas," sighed Dean, sitting down on his bed. "I know...I miss you, too, Dean."

There was a charged silence that commenced after Castiel stopped speaking. Dean could only think of one phrase he needed to say and it was repeating itself like a mantra over and over in his head but he couldn't bring himself to do it just yet.

"I'm going to visit The Grand Canyon," said Castiel after a long enough pause. "I've flown through it in passing but I want to take my time when I go now."

"That sounds great, Cas," replied Dean, "Maybe I could go with you next time and you can show me around."

"I would love that," Dean could hear the smile in his Angel's words and couldn't stop the one that was now making it's way onto his own.

After another slight pause, the hunter could hear a voice calling in the background for passengers to start getting on the bus and Dean decided that enough was enough. He's already committed himself to this so why not say it out loud before it's too late?

"Dean, I have to hang up now. I have to get on the bus."

"Wait! Don't hang up yet!" Dean could feel his pulse quicken and his breaths become shallow. He cleared his throat and gulped down air to calm himself.

"Hurry, Dean. I cannot wait much longer," ground out Castiel impatiently.

"I'm sorry, it's just-this is so hard for me to say," Dean ran a shaky hand through his hair and let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. _Now or never, dude. Man UP._

"I love you, Castiel," he managed barely above a whisper.

The hunter heard a gasp and almost inaudible sob on the other end of the line.

"I-I love you, too, Dean," Castiel wipes at his eyes furiously. "God, I love you so much it hurts! I wish that we didn't have to part on such terms but you better go through with your promise. _Any_ chance you get to see me, Dean, I want you there with me. I don't care if it's for five seconds or five years. Just _anything_." The green-eyed man could hear his Angel sniffle through his outburst and he knew he'd said the right thing. He was the luckiest man alive to be loved by an Angel.

"Don't you worry, sweetheart. I keep my promises." Castiel knows this is true; Dean has never let him down. "Goodbye, Cas. Call me when you get to your next stop."

"Goodbye, Dean."

The hunter stepped into the shower feeling both lighter and heavier in spirit. He'd had to part from his lover, but he knew he'd be seeing him again soon.


	2. Hello Again

Sam is just about tired of seeing his brother moping around the bunker. He's 98% sure that the two men have consummated their relationship ( _Fucking finally!_ ), but now Dean is just aimlessly going about his days and only lighting up whenever Castiel calls or texts once or twice a day. The rest of the day is spent moping and annoying the ever loving shit out of Sam and Kevin...which is why Sam is currently in the privacy of his room making a phone call.

"Sam?" comes the curious voice of the Angel.

"Hey, Cas! I bet you're wondering why I'm calling-"

"Is Dean alright? Is he hurt?" asked Castiel hurriedly. Sam can understand why the Angel would automatically assume something was wrong if it wasn't Dean calling him to tell him the news. It's just how it is: Sam only calls when Dean can't make the call himself.

"No, he's fine...physically," states Sam pointedly.

After a brief pause Castiel takes a breath to say, "Sam, I am aware that you are a perceptive individual. I'm sure you know that Dean and I have-"

"Yeah, please, for my sanity, don't finish that sentence," pleaded Sam. Make that 100% sure.

"Yes, of course. Well, moving past the obvious, I suppose...I think he just really misses seeing me physically. Calling and texting only goes so far and it has been a fair amount of time since I have seen him last."

"I get what you mean, long distance relationships always have a strain to them. It's what I'm calling for actually."

"Samuel," Castiel stated firmly, "you know perfectly well that I cannot return. I will not risk your safety."

"I-I know, Cas, I just...can you come within at least a day's drive from here so my brother can go see you? He won't admit it to me but I know that's what it is. He's got this ridiculous need to assert his manliness and "lack" of emotions in order to keep a facade that no one here gives two shits about. He misses you and he can't bring himself to say it out loud."

"You sound very angry, Sam," observed the Angel. "I'm not angry, I just feel like I'm suffocating. I literally cannot breathe because his depression is so far gone. Kevin left so that he can get fresh air a week ago and packed enough to be gone for a month. Dean isn't letting me out of his sight so I don't have that option. Please, Cas? Do this for all of us?" Sam knows he sounds desperate and selfish but he really is doing this for his big brother.

Castiel paused to think about the consequences of coming too close to the boys once again. On the one hand, he can see Dean but on the other hand, he runs the risk of upsetting Ezekiel enough to leave which would be catastrophic for all parties involved.

"Sam...I don't know..." hesitated Castiel.

"Well, it was worth a try. I just wanted to see a smile on my brother's face again. The last time I saw him smile with his whole heart behind it was when you were here-"

"Is...is this the verbal version of the puppy eyes?" Sam could almost see the squint-head-turn thing Castiel does when confused or suspicious.

"What? No! Of course not!" Sam is well aware that he isn't convincing anyone with that act, but he could try.

"Either way, it served your purposes. I am currently in Alta, Utah. But I want it to be a surprise so tell him that you caught wind of a hunt here and send him to the only motel in town. I will inform you of my room number when I get one."

"Thanks so much, Cas, I will!"

"No, thank _you_ , Sam. I've never been in a relationship before and I was not aware that he was just as down trodden as I feel."

"Not a prob, Cas," smiled Sam.

After the two men hung up, Sam made his way to the kitchen where he could hear that his brother was still cooking. Walking in through the door, Sam inhaled the heavenly scent of a stew boiling away on the stove. Dean was facing the cupboard on the other side of the room with a pensive look on his face, and the younger Winchester slowly made his way to the pot and grabbed the spoon. After sticking it into the stew and bringing it to his lips, he could feel an angry glare beating on the side of his face. He hadn't heard his brother move closer, but he wasn't giving Dean the satisfaction of knowing that.

"Did I tell you that dinner was ready, _bitch_?"

"I do what I want, _jerk_ ," answered Sam cheekily as he proceeded to bring the spoon to his lips.

The phrase "Oh really", dripping with sarcasm was the only warning Sam got before he was flung to the floor by his brother who crashed on top of him. The hot stew hit the both of them on their chests causing the brothers to hiss in pain briefly. They grappled along on the floor, Sam keeping the spoon from Dean and the older brother trying his hardest to reach it. After wrestling around for a moment, the Winchesters rolled apart from each other gasping for breath before making eye contact and falling into a fit of laughter.

"Wow, Dean, we haven't done something that childish in forever, man," gasped Sam still laying on the floor.

"Yeah, I know," smiled Dean, "it's great. Sometimes it feels like we spend TOO much time together and I can't hardly breathe, but then moments like these make it all worth it," finished the elder brother.

Sam smiled briefly at the statement before remembering his original intent in seeking out his brother. "So, I was digging around on the web earlier and I noticed some anomalies in Utah," he stated as he stood up and turned to help his brother from the floor.

"Yeah? What kind?" asked Dean absentmindedly as he got a new spoon to stir the stew with after putting the original in the sink.

"It looks like they have a werewolf problem."

"Ooooo, haven't had one of those in a while. How far is it?" asked Dean excitedly.

"About thirteen hours, give or take. It's in a tiny town called Alta. The attacks are all happening around the only motel in town. Your best bet is start there."

"Wait a minute, I haven't even said I'm going yet!" the older man said skeptically.

"Aw come on, Dean. You know you've been dying to get out of here and I can take care of myself," pleaded Sam.

"You're not even going to try to persuade me that you're good enough to come along?" asked Dean suspiciously turning around to face his brother.

"Hasn't worked much so far. Plus, this is totally a one man job. I'll stay here in case Kevin comes back," answered Sam quickly.

"I'll think about it. Dinner will be ready in 15," replied Dean with a tone of finality. Sam grunted in response and left to his room once again until dinner was ready.

As soon as Sam was out of ear shot, Dean pulled out his phone and dialed Castiel's number.

"Hello, Dean," answered Castiel in greeting.

"Hey, baby. I was just calling to see how your day's been." Dean couldn't help the smile that graced his face upon hearing his lover's voice again.

"It's been quite uneventful, actually. I am currently somewhere in Louisiana."

"Oh?" Dean replied sullenly. He had been hoping that the Angel would have been somewhere near Utah so that he could swing by and see him after taking care of the werewolf issue. It always seemed like Castiel was on the opposite side of the country whenever they ventured out on a hunt.

"Yes. I believe we will be visiting a haunted house tomorrow. Many are speculating that it contains the spirit of a Civil War general that haunts the old plantation on the grounds." Castiel hates lying to Dean but he figured that this lie is justified and will have a reward in the end.

"That sounds great, Cas," replies Dean without enthusiasm.

"What's wrong, Dean?"

"I just...I was hoping I would be able to see you. Sam said there was a werewolf case in Utah that I'm gonna take care of. If you were close enough, I was going to come see you, but you're in the opposite direction," Dean answered sullenly.

"Oh. I...I can see if I can catch a bus to Kansas city after this week. It's only 4 hours from the bunker."

"Nah, it's alright, Cas. You just keep enjoying your cross country travels," answered Dean a little bitterly.

"Dean, it's ok to ask to see me. It's been wee-"

"I said, it's alright, Cas!" Dean yelled. He didn't mean to yell, but he was frustrated. Why was the Angel not even trying to come see him? Why does he have to ask? He should just know. _Maybe he doesn't miss me like I miss him. What the hell was I thinking when I got into this relationship? He's mister emotionless over here, he doesn't get this shit._ "You know what, never mind. Forget I called, Cas. I'll talk to you later." Dean abruptly hung up and immediately regretted doing so. _I gotta cut this guy some slack. Of course he doesn't fucking know what he's doing, he's just now learning how all this stuff works. I'm an idiot_.

Dean sits at the table so that he can take a moment to contemplate on how he is going to apologize to his lover later. He doesn't deserve to be forgiven and he knows it.

* * *

Sam heard the yell from across the bunker and immediately sent a text to the Angel. He hadn't expected his brother to be yelling angrily.

S:

_What just happened, dude?_

C:

_I think Dean just inadvertently took_

_out his frustration on me. I told him I_

_was in Louisiana to see if he would ask_

_me to come visit. It may have back fired_

_but I was most certainly 'asking for it.'_

_I'm not upset with him._

S:

_I'm sorry my brother's the biggest dick, Cas._

C:

_It is alright. If I cannot put up with him at_

_his worst then I do not deserve him at his_

_best, Sam. I know he feels bad for yelling._

_I'm sure he will call later to apologize._

S:

_How do you know him so well? If you_

_don't mind me asking_.

C:

_Because I am the one who gripped him_

_tight and raised him from perdition. I_

_got a glimpse into his soul that no one_

_before me has ever had the honor of_

_doing. I rebuilt his body using pieces_

_of my Grace to hold him together. There_

_isn't a thing I don't know about him._

S:

_Wow, that's...that's I don't know, man._

_That's probably one of the most romantic_

_things I've ever read. You guys have_

_something I used to have with Jessica._

_Sometimes I get a little jealous, but then_

_I see the smile you put on my brother's_

_face and I know I would give up anything_

_to see him that happy. I know I play the_

_victim card a lot, but, honestly, Dean had_

_it worse than me. So...thank you, Cas, for_

_loving my brother._

C:

_It is an honor to be loved by the Righteous_

_Man. Not many get to say that they have._

S:

_Then consider yourself lucky, man._

C:

_I do._

* * *

Dean packed his bag for the hunt before he settled in for bed. After laying in the dark for a few moments, he gathered the courage to call Castiel.

"Hello, Dean," answered Castiel groggily.

"Did I wake you, Cas? I can call you tomorr-"

"No, it's fine."

There was a pause as Dean steeled himself before speaking, "Listen, Cas, I wanted to apologize for earlier..."

"It's alright, Dean, I understand. I will come close enough for you to visit soon, I promise," answered Castiel soothingly.

After conversing for a little while longer and bidding each other goodnight, Dean was able to fall asleep with the prospect of seeing Castiel in a week's time to soothe him into slumber.

* * *

"Alright, room four, Sam? You sure? I don't wanna burst in there on some couple in the middle of-"

"YES, DEAN. I'M SURE. I hacked into the police chatter earlier and they said they were getting suspicious about the resident in room four," answered Sam before hanging up.

Dean had driven straight through the entire day, only stopping for bathroom and food breaks. After napping in his car for a few hours, he was now standing outside of the room of the suspected werewolf, favorite gun in his back pocket loaded with silver bullets. It was nearing midnight and the light was still on in the room. Making sure that he had a silver coin in his hand, he knocked on the door. He ran through his cover story one last time before the door opened to reveal the last person he was expecting to see.

"Cas?!"

"Hello, Dean," replied Castiel bashfully.

"Wha-what're you doing here? Please tell me you're not the werewolf!" pleaded Dean. In his defense, he's still a little groggy. Not the best thing when potentially fighting a werewolf, but what can you do?

Castiel couldn't stop the chuckle that burst forth at Dean's pleas. "No, Dean. That was just a clever ruse on behalf of Sam and I in order to get you here as a surprise," answered Castiel as he stepped aside to allow Dean entrance into the room. "I had been expecting you for the past couple of hours. Sam had told me you called to say you were here since eight."

"Oh...well, I thought I was fighting a werewolf and I kinda wanted to be on top of things so I took a power nap for a bit before getting here." _Note to self: Thank Sam later._

Castiel smirked a little to himself at that and looked at Dean with a predatory look in his eyes. "So...essentially, you are in top form to wrestle with a werewolf? Does that mean you are ready for other forms of rigorous exercise?" Castiel had to mentally applaud himself on his progress in catching and making verbal sexual advances.

Dean's jaw dropped in shock before he giggled (Or not, if he's telling the story to Sam.) "You've been working on your flirting skills, handsome?" asked Dean as he stepped close enough to Castiel to grab him by the waist.

"To an extent," smirked Castiel as he smiled and wrapped his arms around Dean's neck.

"Really? Got any more?" asked Dean with his mouth an inch away from his lover's lips. Castiel pondered for a moment before answering, "If having a flaccid penis were Hell, then I will be the one to grip you tight and raise you from Perdition. How does that one sound?"

Dean couldn't help the full bellied laugh he gave in response. It was simultaneously the best and worst line he'd ever heard. "I gotta say, Cas, that was original," he answered, "but uh...how about you put it into practice, hm?" he finished before leaning in to kiss his lover. There seemed to be a kind of electricity in the air as they moved against each other. Being apart had taken its toll, and now they get to remedy that.

Just as the kisses were getting heavy, Castiel gently pushed away from the hunter and grabbed his hand to lead him into the bathroom. "I watched a film the other day where I saw the couple copulating in the shower," blurted Castiel before Dean could ask what the Angel's intentions were.

"First of all, don't call it copulating, that shit just ain't right. Second, I'm totally into the fact that you're into trying new things," he replied. The Hunter's mind was already reeling with the possibilities.

"I have watched humanity for countless millennia, there are things," Castiel whispered as he shoved Dean into the bathroom and pushing him against the wall, "there are things even _you_ haven't done," he finished huskily.

Dean's breath hitched the moment he'd been manhandled into position. He was immediately reminded of those times when he'd pissed off the man in front of him enough to elicit being pushed against walls. It always sent a shiver down his spine if he's being honest. Dean could only stare down at the cerulean eyes before him that were beginning to lose the battle to lust. "And how do you know what I have and haven't done, Castiel?" Dean whispered.

Castiel smirked and bit his lip while flipping his attention between his Hunter's eyes and lips before answering, "I'd been made knowing that I would be the one to raise the Righteous Man from Perdition, Dean, I merely took the initiative to _watch_. Interfering was prohibited but no one could tell me it was wrong to look," he explained. Having used his body to keep Dean pressed against the wall allowed his hands the freedom to roam. The Angel brought his lips close enough to his Hunter's so that they were breathing each other's air and he brought one hand to the blond locks for control and the other to his lover's hip. "Rebuilding you after Hell gave me extra insight into every part of you that makes you tremble, Dean. Would you like for me to demonstrate?" He gripped the hair running between his fingers and gently pulled back. He watched as the Hunter's Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed nervously.

"Holy fuuuck," the taller man breathed.

"You would be correct in that assumption. As a former Seraph you may consider this a 'holy fuck' as you say," the Angel chuckled. "Damn, Cas, seriously," Dean gasped, "I've never been so turned on in my life. And hell yeah I'd like the hands-on demonstration, as soon as poss-ah!" Castiel hadn't waited for Dean to finish his statement before he brought his palm to cup the eldest Winchester in the front of his jeans. He gently massaged Dean's member as he brought his mouth to the Hunter's Adam's apple and laid a playful bite there before kissing his way to the junction between shoulder and neck. There, Castiel focused on making a mark that would stay for a few days. The hand that had been rubbing Dean to full attention was now undoing the button and zipper to the Hunter's jeans. Slipping his hand inside made the green-eyed man's breath hitch.

"Cas, fuck, if you keep doing that, I don't know how long I'm going to last. Let's get in the shower, hm?"

The Angel only gave a huff of annoyance in answer but acquiesced nonetheless stepping back and moving to turn on the water to a suitable temperature. "I've changed my mind, I don't want to copula-fuck in the shower anymore. I wish to take my time with you," stated Castiel as he stripped off his clothing.

"I'm sorry, Cas, I didn't mean to ruin what you wanted," answered Dean forlornly as he copied his lover.

"It is of no consequence. I have a much better plan in mind," he smirked.

Dean stopped midway from removing his shirt to chuckle, "You know, I was starting to feel a little guilty about corrupting an Angel, but considering what you said earlier and just now...you've been a dirty, nerdy angel loooooooong before I came around. Actually, have you been pulling my leg with the whole innocent thing this entire time?!" Dean asked in mild shock having tossed his shirt somewhere on the floor.

"No, I wasn't pulling your leg, Dean. It is one thing to watch acts of a sexual nature, and quite another to perform them. I am merely more confident in putting what I've learned into practice now that I have some experience," Castiel stated nonchalantly.

Stepping into the warm shower made Dean shiver with anticipation. His heartbeat was becoming more and more erratic as Castiel stepped closer to him. Just before meeting for a kiss, Castiel stepped back and looked the other man in the eye.

"Dean...I want to ask you something," he started nervously.

"Alright...shoot, Cas."

"Shoot what?" the Angel asked in a perplexed tone.

"Never mind, Cas, what's your question?" Dean chuckled. He pulled Castiel flush against him, kneading a hand on his lover's ass, the other on his waist.

"I...I-uh...I'm not sure how to ask this of you. I'm almost certain your answer will be in the negative so j-just never mind." Dean stopped what he was doing with his mouth on the Angel's neck to look into those deep cerulean eyes...except they were being averted.

"Cas, what is it you want? If you've really been watching me at all over the years, which is both endearing and creepy, you know I'm pretty much open to anything in bed," said Dean reassuringly.

"That's just it, Dean. You've been open for women, but would you be open for me?" To further explain his point, Castiel brushed a finger in the cleft of Dean's ass. Dean's eyes widened as he realized what Castiel wanted.

"Cas, baby, are you asking if you can top?" he whispered not wanting to scare his lover off.

Castiel could only nod and chew on his bottom lip nervously while still averting his gaze.

"Well...I've never done-"

"It's ok, Dean, you don't have to. We can just do it like before," the shorter man hastily interrupted. Castiel had been hoping that Dean would say yes, though. Submitting to Castiel would have been a way to solidify something for him. Letting Dean top had been what allowed Dean to keep his "manly" facade in that he wasn't the one exposed. The Angel had wanted his Hunter to trust him completely and the only way for him to know was for Dean to allow him to take control.

"Sweetheart, would you just let me finish before your mind goes a mile a minute in the wrong direction?" Dean spoke soothingly, rubbing a calming hand up and down the other man's spine. "Now, look at me, Cas. There we go, look at you, gorgeous. Now, how's about a smile for, daddy?" Castiel couldn't keep the corners of his mouth from lifting even if he still had his Grace to help him maintain his emotionless facade. "That doesn't count, baby, a real smile." The Angel found himself obeying immediately, a full smile gracing his lips. "Mmm. Perfect. Now, back to what I was saying before," Dean continued, "I've never done that before but I'm not unwilling to do it if that's what you want, Angel. You didn't hesitate to do it for me so why should I be a hard ass and not return the favor? I gotta warn ya, though, this ass might be the only virgin part of me, but I'm sure it's gonna rock your world better than that chick that had her way with you," he ended with a smirk. Castiel could only look at Dean in shock for a moment before his mouth caught up with his brain. Smirking, he ran his finger back down the cleft of Dean's ass and circled his fingers around his entrance.

"And what makes you so confident about that, Dean?" he asked teasingly.

"Because fucking enough girls gives you a good idea about what feels good to the dick ramming in and out of you," he answered, face slack with pleasure at his lover's ministrations.

"Fuck, Dean, you look so delectable like that," Castiel whimpered. "Mmm, baby, I'll bet. Let's get this shower over and done with so we can get to the good stuff."

* * *

Mere minutes later the two men are crashing about the motel room trying to make their towards the bed. Kissing with their eyes closed was making that very difficult, however. When Castiel's legs hit the bed he promptly turns them around and roughly shoves Dean down on it. Castiel could see Dean's pupils dilate even further as he shivered. This reaction made him recall something he had observed over the years.

"Dean...I think I have discovered a kink you have," stated Castiel smugly.

"And what is that?"

"Allow me to exploit it first," answered the Angel with a smirk. The Angel approached the other man with a wild look in his eye that sent another shiver down the Hunter's spine. Dean started to slowly crawl away from Castiel with worry etched on his face.

"Cas, that look on your face is giving me the heebie-jeebies." What he really meant by "heebie-jeebies" was "turned the fuck on." Castiel stopped abruptly and frowned for a moment.

"Dean, you know I have difficulty understanding colloquialisms," he pouted.

"It means it was freaking me out. I thought I was gonna get eaten for a second there." Dean gasped when that feral look was back on his Angel's face. For one scary moment, the eldest Winchester was worried that Castiel knew about his sexual quirks. He likes to pretend he loves control but honestly, in bed...he's always been the one to relinquish. Fuck. Hadn't Castiel said he'd been watching him? The look he's receiving now tells Dean that the Angel knows that he knows.

"Would you like that, Dean?" Castiel whispered an inch away from the Hunter's lips.

"Like what, Cas?" panted Dean.

"To be eaten?" asked Castiel as he ghosted his hand along Dean's erection.

Dean closed his eyes at the picture in his head and moaned somewhat pathetically in response to the question.

"I will take that as a yes," chuckled Castiel. "Could you get on your hands and knees for me, beloved?" whispered Castiel into his ear. When Dean didn't immediately acquiesce, Castiel firmly gripped the jaw of his lover to regain his attention. Lowering his voice, Castiel looked into Dean's eyes and commanded, "I _said_ \- Hands. And. Knees. _Bitch_."

"Oh _fuck_ me," moaned Dean as he scrambled to comply with the order. Dean had thought he was turned on before but damn if the Angel didn't have him halfway to completion already.

"Yes, we will be getting to that momentarily, but first..." smirked Castiel. He maneuvered himself behind the Hunter and laid a kiss to each cheek before spreading them. "Oh, Dean. You look so beautiful," he gasped running a teasing finger around the rim of the Hunter.

Dean could only whimper in response. He didn't trust his mouth to say anything coherent anyways. Castiel cannot lie, he had pictured this moment for years, and now that it's here, he is going to revel in it.

That first swipe of the the Angel's tongue almost sent Dean over the edge. He wantonly spread his legs further apart and grabbed Castiel's hair with a trembling hand. "Cas, baby, that feels so fucking good, don't stop," he mewled.

The shorter man greedily thrust his tongue into Dean's channel, earning another moan. He continued this barrage for a few moments, and after swirling the trembling hole one last time, Castiel pulled back and smiled at the needy noises coming from his lover. Hastily, he made a grab for the lube that he had set on the bedside table in anticipation for today. After pouring and warming lube on his fingers, he slapped at the ass still being laid bare before him. He gently circled Dean before tentatively slipping the tip of his finger inside. He heard Dean breathe in and felt him tense up.

"Dean, shhhhhh it's ok. Relax for me, beloved," consoled Castiel, rubbing soothing circles at the base of his lover's spine. He partially slid his finger out and gently pushed forward once again, this time hardly meeting any resistance. Gradually, Castiel worked up to three fingers in and out of the man before him before neither could take anymore.

"Cas, fuck, enough. Fuckin' _take_ me already," came Dean's gruff voice.

"As you wish," Castiel purred. Removing his fingers he grabbed the lube again and squeezed a fair amount onto his hand and rubbed it onto his erection. Castiel gripped his Hunter by the hips and flipped him over onto his back in one swift movement.

"What the hell, Cas?" Dean panted angrily.

"I wanted to see your face...and I noticed that you like being manhandled," smirked Castiel.

"Well, warn a guy next time," spoke Dean through a shiver.

"My apologies," laughed Castiel as he laid a kiss on Dean's lips. Grabbing his member, Castiel rubbed himself teasingly at Dean's entrance before finally pushing in.

"Shit, Cas," breathed Dean spreading his legs further. Once full seated, Castiel resumed kissing his lover so that Dean could get used to the intrusion. After a moment's pause, Castiel hoisted one of Dean's legs onto his shoulder and pushed the other one flush against Dean's chest and began a relentless pace.

"Fuck, Cas!" yelled Dean in ecstasy, his hands grasping for purchase in the sheets.

"God, Dean, you feel so good," panted Castiel unconsciously pounding harder into the body beneath him.

"More!"

"More what, Dean?"

"Everything. Harder. Faster," answered Dean hardly above a whisper.

"You're going to kill me, Winchester," grunted Castiel as he hurried to fulfill the demands.

Dean grabbed the back of Castiel's neck and brought him closer still, the new angle causing Castiel to hit that place deep within him that would be his undoing. "Cas!" he gasped, "Fuck, baby, I'm so close!"

"Touch yourself, Dean," commanded the Angel in a gruff voice. The Hunter hardly moved his hand over his shaft before he was coming harder than he'd ever had. As his orgasm ripped through him, he clenched down on Castiel causing him to choke out a groan before spilling his seed deep within his lover. Castiel slowly pulled out as they came down from their highs and plopped down next to Dean.

"That-that was awesome," panted Dean with a smile.

"Indeed," retorted Castiel with a matching look of bliss upon his face.

* * *

The following days were filled with the men enjoying each other's company; eating together, watching whatever was on the television, or simply going out for a drive. A week had passed before Dean was forced to tell himself that it was time to go back to his life at the bunker. He was laying in bed running his fingers through the shorter man's hair when that realization hit him and he couldn't keep from shaking.

"Dean, what's wrong?" questioned Castiel. As he turned to meet his favorite pair of green eyes, his eyes widened in shock at the sheer panic he saw there.

"I just...I just realized that I have to get back to Sam today. And it's a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I fucking love laying next to you. This past week has been the most relaxing thing I've ever experienced and it's fucking ending."

Castiel hadn't given it much thought, but now that Dean mentions it, he can feel his heart growing heavy with sadness at having to part once again from the man he loves. But he needs to be strong for the both of them. Dean has spent a lifetime shouldering the burdens of others and the least he can do is take this upon himself.

"It's alright, Dean," soothed Castiel, "We will see each other again soon, ok? I will make it a habit to come close to Kansas once a month so that can meet again. This goodbye isn't forever, ok? Ezekiel should have Sam healed in no time and I can come live with you again." Castiel smiled feebly as he finished his statement. He cupped the cheek of his favorite Winchester and brought their faces in for a kiss that Dean used to ignite one last fire inside of the Angel.

A few hours and a shower later, Dean and Castiel were packing their things with somber expressions on their faces. The sound of the last zipper closing left a heavy silence behind. Dean hadn't noticed his eyes were closed until Castiel spoke.

"Dean, look at me," he whispered. Turning to face his Angel, Dean could feel a sting in the corners of his eyes as he met the equally sad expression on Castiel's face. When their gazes locked, they couldn't help but smile a little at the state they were in. "Promise me that you will tell me when you are upset about not being able to see me. You know I don't understand certain human nuances and I need your guidance."

"I promise, sweetheart. Come on, let's pack the car and I'll drive you to the bus stop," said Dean before he lost his resolve.

* * *

The men arrive just in time for Castiel to purchase a ticket to Louisiana before the bus parks and starts taking in its passengers. The lovers give each other a desperate kiss.

"God, baby, I'm going to miss you so fucking much," Dean breathed against Castiel's lips.

"I'm going to miss you as well, beloved," Castiel whimpered in response.

"You know, I'm not sure when you started calling me that, but I really, really love it. Now, get on that bus before I glue you to my side," said Dean as he gave a playful slap to the Angel's rear. Castiel placed his bag in the compartment underneath the bus and slowly made his way to the doors. He hesitated on the first step and turned around and grabbed onto Dean sobbing and grasping tightly at the Hunter.

Dean couldn't keep the tears from escaping his eyes either, and he let himself hold his Angel for a minute before pulling back for the last time. "Come on, Cas. I need you to be strong for me, ok, sweetheart? 'Cause I can't trust myself right now. I want to bring you back with me so fucking bad, but I can't. So I need you to be strong for me, ok?" Castiel slowly nodded, wiping at his face. "Good. I love you so much, baby. I need you to know that, alright?" whispered Dean with a quivering voice.

"I love you, too, Dean," replied Castiel. After reaching up for one last kiss he finally made his way onto the bus. The men stared at each other until the bus finally made its way out of the lot. Dean let out his frustration with a cry to a God he really hopes still has His ears on. It's not fair that Dean Winchester has to make the hardest sacrifices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far, I've got six chapters written. Number seven is well on its way! :D


	3. Did Ya Miss Me?

Dean spent the next few weeks anticipating Castiel's close arrival to the bunker which was both refreshing and annoying. Sam was glad for his brother but the constant cheeriness was putting a damper on his mood. That isn't to say, however, that Sam isn't happy for his brother.

"Come on, Sammy! Lighten up!" came the delighted cry from the eldest Winchester.

"Ugh, I can't. You're too...too-too- _blech_. Makes me want to throw up," deadpanned Sam. He couldn't keep the small smile from his face, however and Dean knows that Sam is only pulling his leg as is his duty as little bro.

"Whatever, Sammy, I can't help it. I get to see my man in a few days," said Dean with a devilish smirk on his face. It seemed to light him up from the inside out, but there was an immediate panicked look that flashed across Dean's face that made the younger Winchester confused.

"Uh...Dean? What's that look for?" he asked cautiously.

The eldest brother stood there for another beat before shaking his head as if throwing off whatever thoughts went through his mind. "N-nothing, man. I just-I never thought I'd be saying THAT, you know? Not only am I in a committed relationship...I'm in a committed relationship with a _dude_. It just hit me."

"Seriously, Dean? You're going to have your big gay scare _now_? You've been head over heels in love with Cas, who is a multi-dimensional wavelength of Celestial Intent, _not_ a dude by the way, since the moment you laid eyes on him in that warehouse! Scratch that. I think maybe it was the moment he laid his hand on you in Hell. Everyone sees it, man, so cut that shit out before you scare Cas when you see him," finished Sam sternly. He hadn't intended to get so riled up, but he thought he would have had to deal with the sexual preference scare a long time ago. He hadn't thought it would rear its big, ugly head after the relationship has been going steady for the past couple of months. Then again this is Dean, and he should have anticipated this regardless. Sam loves his big brother, but Castiel is his friend, too, and he wants what's best for him. If that means that he has to knock some sense into his brother then so be it.

"I'm sorry, Sam, I don't know what got into me, honestly," answered Dean in a sullen voice.

"I'm sure Cas knows what got into you," countered Sam with a wink. He loves poking fun at his brother and he totally walked right into this one. Too bad the joke was on him.

Dean's jaw dropped and his face turned a very embarrassed shade of red. "Did Cas fucking tell you?! I thought he'd know not to tell you shit like that, FUCK!" yelled Dean as he angrily took his phone out of his pocket, quickly typing in his pass code to, presumably, call the Angel. He doesn't know how many times he's explained shit like this to him before. As adorable as the ignorance can be it can also be downright annoying.

Meanwhile, by the time Sam understood what Dean had meant, he wished he had brain bleach. "God, Dean! I was only joking! Cas didn't tell me anything! Fuck! I soooooooo didn't need to know that about my brother," said Sam in a rush all the while rubbing his eyes as if the action would erase the image he has of his brother now.

Dean dropped his phone on the counter and pressed his palms into his eyes. Great, why couldn't he tell that Sam was only joking? "Fuuuuccccccckkkk, I need a drink," said the older Winchester as he made his way out of the kitchen and into the library. The Men of Letters were so damn classy, they had booze where they read.

"God! I need one, too. A double of whatever's the strongest."

"You got it, bro."

* * *

After the boys ate dinner (and pointedly avoided the blunder from earlier), Dean made his way to his en suite bath to shower. Now that he was alone with his thoughts he couldn't help but think of his crisis (the first, not the second because fuck.) What the hell is wrong with him? Does this happen to other people? Why was he freaking out about the most important relationship he's ever had, aside from those of a familial nature? Maybe it was something that would just pass naturally, and he just had to work through it. He doesn't like this seed of anxiety that has planted itself within him, but he knows that he isn't going to let it affect his relationship with his Angel. Hopefully he will come out of this stronger for it and Castiel will be none the wiser. Hell, maybe he's just nervous.

After his shower Dean curls on his bed reaches for his phone to shoot a text to said Angel.

D:

_Hey, sweetheart. Hope you had a good_

_day._

C:

_I did. I am ecstatic to see you in a few_

_days._

D:

 _Can't wait to see you, too, Feathers_.

C:

_"Feathers?" I don't know if I like that_

_one._

D:

_Whaaat? It's genius!_

C:

_It would be the same as me calling you_

_"Skin." Does that sound sexy to you?_

D:

_Yeesh, ok. I won't be calling you that_

_again. What about the other things I_

_call you? Is "Angel" still ok?_

C:

_Is "Human" or "Hunter" acceptable?_

D:

_I think being called "Human" would be_

_hilarious. And calling me "Hunter" would_

_be the same as calling me "bad ass" or_

_"Batman." So those are fine_.

C:

_I have it on good authority that you do_

_not have a bad ass and I do not under-_

_stand that reference. Why would some-_

_one take on the appearance of a noc-_

_turnal animal?_

D:

_Never mind, Cas, that went way over_

_your head haha_

C:

_Regardless, you may continue to call_

_me "Angel." What is your preference?_

D:

_Mmmmm. Now that I think about it...I_

_love when you call me "beloved." Makes_

_me shiver._

C:

_I have a preference as well. Your drawl_

_seems it's most potent when you say_

_"Sweetheart." The corresponding elec-_

_tricity that shoots down my spine is_

_overwhelming._

D:

_In that case...Can't wait to see you,_

_sweetheart. Miss you, sweetheart._

_Love you, sweetheart. ;P_

C:

_You are incorrigible. You will pay for that._

D:

_Promise? ;)_

C:

_Goodnight, Human._

D:

_Goodnight, sweetheart._

C:

-.-

D:

;P

* * *

The following few days seemed to fly by in a blur and found Dean making sure he had everything he needed for his stay at Kansas City. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he turned around to find a slightly disheveled Kevin standing behind him.

"Kevin, what the hell?!" exclaimed Dean.

"Sorry, Dean. I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to tell you something before you leave," finished Kevin with a nervous glance over his shoulder.

"What's wrong?" asked a puzzled Dean.

"It's Sam..."started Kevin.

"What about Sam?" Dean immediately dropped everything in his hands in worry. He should have known something was going to happen.

"I don't know, man...doesn't he seem a little weird to you?"

Dean was getting ready to cancel the weekend with Castiel until he remembered that he never told Kevin about Ezekiel which, oops, might be a good thing to inform him of now. He let out the breath he had been holding and hurriedly brought Kevin up to speed.

"What the hell?! Why didn't you tell me?!" yelled Kevin when Dean finished his hurried recount.

"I'm sorry, dude, I just wanted the least amount of people to know this secret so that it would have a smaller possibility of leaking. Just don't tell Sam and keep an eye on him for me, alright?" asked Dean as he placed a hand on the honorary Winchester's shoulder. There was nothing wrong with being precautious.

Kevin looked reluctant at first but conceded nonetheless, what else was he to do? "Yeah, man, I will. Have fun, dude," he ended with a smirk as he exited the room. Dean shook his head with a chuckle and a relieved sigh. He's been skeptical about allowing Ezekiel into Sam without his knowledge because, in his experience, nothing that's supposed to be good actually stays that way. For now, however, he has someone keeping vigilance while he is gone to see the man he loves.

Just as Dean is making his way out of the bunker, he is confronted by Ezekiel. He knows his brother well enough that Sam never stands at full height like that because he hates coming off as intimidating to those shorter than him (which is practically everyone.)

"Whaddaya want, Zeke?" Dean asks with a hint of disdain to his voice. He really, really hates that he's put his trust in someone he doesn't know. Sure Castiel vouched for him and all, but who's to say this is even Ezekiel to begin with?

"There is no need for you to be crass, Dean," spit Ezekiel haughtily, "I merely wished to state that I am not comfortable with you leaving your brother defenseless while you rendezvous with that heathen of a lover of yo-"

"Whoa! Stop! _Fuck_ that, Zeke! The only reason you're in my brother right now," Dean yells as he points a finger in warning, "is that that _heathen of a lover of mine_ vouched for your sorry ass! Also, you are not defenseless! Kevin is good in a pinch, not to mention that Sam is more than capable of taking care of himself, this _place_ is made for defense, and if everything falls to shit, we've got the King of Hell in our back pocket! We make due around here, ok?!" he finished with a growl.

Ezekiel gave an angry pout before receding into the depths of Sam's consciousness and Dean had to recover a neutral face for when Sam comes to. It'd be hard to explain an angry face to someone who can't recollect making anyone angry to begin with.

"Whoa, when did I get here?" asked Sam in horror after taking in his surroundings. He finally looked to his big brother for an answer. It really breaks Dean's heart to have to do this.

"I don't know, man, I watched you walk over here. Maybe the Men in Black got you, eh?" he finishes with that smirk that's a surefire way to get his brother to laugh.

"Haha, Dean, very funny," Sam answered sarcastically with a small smile. That moment of glee didn't last long, however, because Sam wasn't going to just let this blow over. "You know, this isn't the first time that this has happened? I keep noticing chunks of time missing, man. And I keep getting more and more tired, I don't feel like I'm resting anymore. I-I'm scared, Dean," Sam whispers. He feels remorseful about dropping this huge load onto his brother right before he leaves to see Castiel, but he can't keep it a secret anymore. He's not feeling better.

It was a good thing that he wasn't looking up when he revealed these things to Dean because he would have seen the exact moment that his brother's heart skipped a beat and broke a little.

"Hey, Sammy, come on, those trials really got to you, ok? I know you're tired of hearing that," Dean said as he held up a finger to keep Sam from saying what he knew he would, "But you're going to be fine soon, alright?"

"How can you be so sure?" Sam asked full of skepticism.

"'Cause it's my job to know these things. Now, if anything happens, you know that Kevin's here to help and if he can't help you then you know that I'm only a few hours away, ok?"

Sam nods and he purses his lips as if to keep from saying something. He looks at the floor for a moment before looking up and telling his brother to have a safe drive and to remember to take The Pill since Castiel doesn't know that an Angel Blade won't keep them from getting pregnant. The brothers part with smiles on their faces that droop a little once Dean sits down in Baby.

Walking up to the motel room that Castiel was waiting in found Dean nervously trying to calm himself. He thought he'd worked this out already in his mind on his way there, but obviously he's still having this crisis. He hopes it isn't obvious to Castiel and he prays that he can get over it. The last thing he wants to do is worry his Angel. He has no doubt that he loves him, but he still can't say where these nerves are coming from. Maybe the distance really was taking its toll? The eldest Winchester can't wait for Ezekiel to finally finish healing himself and Sam so that he can bring Castiel home and be done with this long-distance nonsense. He takes one last calming breath before knocking on the door. He shakily inhales another when he hears the door open and his breath hitches when he sees the nervous blush and smile on the face of his darlin'. He can't keep from smiling as he walks in. You know, maybe he was just nervous after all. He can do this.

"Hello, Dean," said Castiel with a small smile as he closes the door behind him.

"Hey, baby," replies Dean with a matching smile. _Fuck, I'm really gone on him, aren't I?_ He drops his bags over by the bed and turns around to see Castiel nervously sitting on the edge of the bed. "What's wrong. sweetheart?" he asks. Dean doesn't miss the subtle shiver that racks through his lover and internally smirks.

"I just..." Castiel begins, "I just missed you so much, beloved, that I couldn't wait for you to get here and now that you're here...I don't know what to do," he spoke with a tremor in his voice. The hunter sometimes gets frustrated with his lover because he doesn't follow normal human protocol, but at this point this is actually a good thing. A normal person would have just kept what he just said to themselves and it would have eaten at their time together until something exploded.

"It's alright, Cas, I'm nervous, too, alright?" Dean spoke. If Castiel was going to be honest, then so was he.

The Angel turned to face Dean so quick the hunter was afraid he was going to snap his neck. "You are? That doesn't make sense. You are nothing if not confident."

"Confident, yes, Cas, but you also know that I can bullshit my way through just about anything. I was standing out there for a good minute trying to calm my nerves before I even knocked on the door, man."

Castiel heaved a great sigh of relief at that knowledge. He slowly reached his hand over until he could intertwine their fingers. "I'm glad that you were just as nervous as I am. I was worried that I was the only one and that I would disappoint you," he whispered.

"Oh, baby, you'd have to work really hard to disappoint me, alright?" Dean spoke just as softly so as to soothe his lover. He used his thumb and forefinger under the Angel's chin to bring their gazes together. He leaned forward until their foreheads touched and they just looked at each other until he brought their lips to brush. The kiss was sweet and comforting at first but it quickly became heated as Castiel shifted their faces to delve deeper into Dean's mouth with a hunger that was making Dean's knees weak. But as much as he would love to condone sex right now, he wanted to leave the love-making for later. He reluctantly pulls back and laughs at the growl he received for doing so.

"Why'd you stop, Dean?" Castiel asked with annoyance evident in his tone.

"I stopped because I want to do this right, Cas," he replied simply.

"You were doing just fine," answered Castiel cheekily. He tried to bring their lips back together but his progress was thwarted with a finger on his mouth.

"I mean, I want to take you out on a date first."

"A date? How long will it take?" impatience running rampant in his voice.

"Well, I wanted to take you to dinner and a mov-"

"So we will be gone for nearly four hours? At the least? Unacceptable," he deadpanned.

"Wow, Cas, tell me how you really feel," Dean countered sarcastically. Maybe Castiel's lack of propriety in sharing information wasn't such a good thing after all.

"Alright-

"Not what I meant-"

"Regardless," Castiel continued, "I thought we were going to participate in intercourse when you arrived."

"We will, I just want to follow 'human tradition' first."

Castiel almost protested. Had Dean not experienced the past month? The physical ache of being apart from his lover? But before he voiced his opinion, he was struck with an idea. Withholding from sex right now could work to his advantage. The Angel smiled diabolically before acquiescing to his lover's wants. "As you wish, Dean, we will partake in your 'human traditions.'"

"A-alright," Dean answered with a skeptical look on his face. What the hell just went on his Angel's mind? There was a sudden chill that appeared while Castiel had been thinking, and it worried him. Did he want to know? Probably not. Grabbing the Angel's hand, he led him outside to the car and went to open the door for Castiel who only stared at him with squinted eyes and tilted head.

"I am perfectly capable of opening the door, Dean, as you have seen in the many years since we were first acquainted."

"Just humor me, Cas. Human tradition, remember?" Dean asked with a pleading tone to his voice.

Castiel huffed a breath of annoyance and petulantly sat down in the passenger's seat to keep up his act. Dean rolled his eyes and made his way to the driver's side and turned to the other man and asked, "Have you had a chance to look around yet?" When Castiel shook his head he proceeded to say, "Alright, well let's drive around 'til we find a nice restaurant, ok?" He sighed when all he received was a curt nod in return. He backed out of the hotel and drove off in the direction of the highway with a clenched jaw.

Castiel, on the other hand, tries his best to keep from smiling. He is purposely trying to get on Dean's nerves for selfish reasons. It is definitely giving him a gratifying feeling that it's working, and he plans on having Dean eating from the palm of his hand by the end of the evening. A month away from a lover is never easy and while he can understand Dean's want for human tradition, he wishes that the hunter had waited until after they fornicated. Now that he has partaken of the forbidden fruit, he seeks to indulge himself. Often. Gluttony may be a sin, but what weight does Hell hold on a being that has lived for countless millennia as a harbinger of Celestial Justice?

The Angel can still recall those years that it took for him to reach Dean in that dark abyss 45 years ago (in Hell/Earth years.) He and his garrison were dispatched from Heaven the moment that Dean's soul was dragged to Hell by the hound that tore him apart. They laid siege to the gates of Hell for nearly a month before they finally broke through. The chaos that ensued was almost unspeakable. The further and further they trudged into the void, the larger the legions of Hell seemed to get. Each more ferocious than the last and Castiel was beginning to worry that his brothers and sisters would fail before rescuing the Righteous Man. He was also afraid that it would break him. His sole purpose, his reason for existence, was to rescue the Righteous Man, and if he couldn't do that then he would at least make it easier for the next garrison to do his job. He would go down with a fight.

Another thing the Angel recalled was that as he continued to carve his way through demons, his wings changed. Their prolonged exposure to Hell Fire had turned them to black. He remembered vaguely wondering if they would stay that way. He had long been chastised by his siblings for his wings' fickle change in color. As a Seraph his wings should have been ivory in color, cupids had wings of pure white, and Archangels were the only angels with unique colors, etc. Now he would surely stand out amongst the ranks, but he couldn't find the energy to be bothered. He was fulfilling the mission for which he had been created and any distinction he accrues is welcomed.

No matter how long Castiel was in hell, he was never lost. Dean's soul was as a beacon calling out to him at all times. For decades he trudged and fought his way closer and closer to that dimming light. Because dim it did. The longer it took for the Angel to reach the Hunter, the dimmer the light grew until that fateful day that Dean decided to come off the rack and turn from being the tortured into the torturer. The Angel knew the exact moment that he had failed in reaching the Righteous Man on time because he had been fighting a rather vicious hell hound and his master when everything seemed to stop. He could hear the labored breathing of the hound and the rustling of his wings in the hot winds ever present in The Pit. There was a low rumble that emanated from the point where Dean was located and he was reminded of the visit Jesus had made to Hell eons ago, but what Castiel mistook for a tremor in the earth was actually the howls of victory from every being in the underworld. The Angel took this opportunity to catch the demon and his dog off guard and killed them with swift blows to the neck. He wings and head hung in defeat as he stalked off alone in the direction of the soul he was sent to rescue. In place of the bright light he had seen for the past thirty years, he was now following a softened light that had the appearance of a crack running through the middle. His heart broke for the man he had failed, and vowed to erase the worst parts of Dean's time here as victim and torturer so that he may keep some semblance of sanity when he was back on Earth. It was not in his power to eradicate all visions of hell from Dean's mind, but he would surely take on what he could.

Before Castiel could continue reminiscing about a time so many years ago, he was interrupted by an awkward cough.

"Hey, baby, I found a casual looking place that we can try," Dean said sheepishly as he makes his way off the highway.

"Whatever 'human tradition' calls for is fine," Castiel answers with a smirk so that his lover can know that his attitude had been in jest. He's glad he did when he sees the shoulders of the man next to him slump down in relief.

"I hate you right now," the Hunter said with indignation.

"No, you don't," came the simple reply.

The choking atmosphere of the car lifted immediately and Dean felt like he could breathe again. Not wanting to lapse into uncomfortable silence again, he asks, "So what were you thinking about this whole time? You looked pretty lost in thought there."

Castiel pauses for a moment and continues looking out of the window next to him before he proceeds to answer. "It is not of import. I was merely reminiscing past interactions with some of my brothers and sisters," he lies. If he were to speak about the things he had been thinking about just now there was no telling how that will go, and he just wants to spend what little time he has with his lover in peace.

Dean is just parking Baby as Castiel finishes his statement, and they hurriedly climb out of the car to walk into the dimly lit restaurant. They walk up to woman at the podium near the door who then takes them to a table in the middle of the floor.

As the waitress stalks off to place their drink order, the two men spare a moment to take in the restaurant better. It has a semi casual atmosphere and a romantic ambience. It was during this brief moment that Castiel saw his chance to do something very mischievous he saw in a movie. In mid sentence about what movie the two men would watch later in the evening, he "accidentally" dropped his spoon underneath the table. Dean merely gave him an odd look as the Angel dove under the table with a smirk on his face, glad for the excessively large tablecloth.

Trying his best to contain his laughter, Castiel crawled towards his lover and tentatively worked the zipper down on his jeans. He looked up when heard the rustling of the tablecloth.

"Cas, what in the actual FUCK are you doing?" Dean angrily whispered casting a wary glance around him.

Castiel only smirked in response as he proceeded to rub Dean's member through his boxers. The hunter rushed to bring the tablecloth back down and brought his hand to his mouth to stifle the moan that ripped through him. It was at this moment that the waitress chose to come with their drinks.

"Here you go, sir, have you and your friend gone through the menu yet?" she asked politely. Castiel chuckled to himself thinking of the only way to make things more difficult for Dean. He promptly releases Dean from his boxers, and sucked him down in one swift movement. He heard Dean choke and cough to cover his moan before answering the waitress. If Castiel could laugh, he would.

"N-no. He went to use the r-restroom. Can we have a few more minutes?" struggled Dean.

"Umm...yeah sure," answered the waitress with an air of uncertainty. "I'll be back in a few."

Just when Castiel could no longer hear her footsteps, he felt a hand grab his hair forcefully causing him to moan. "Cas, I don't know what the hell has got into you but you better hurry this up. Put that pretty mouth of yours to work. Quick," growled Dean, muffled somewhat through the obstruction of the tablecloth.

The Angel pulled out all the stops and worked Dean until he could feel the hand gripping his head almost unbearably tight. Clue number one that Dean was close to coming. It was at this moment that the Angel shoved Dean back into his pants and made his way back to his seat. The incredulous look that was staring back at him did nothing to deter his happiness.

"You-you sadistic bastard. Why would you do that?" gasped Dean.

"To teach you a lesson," he retorted as he ran a hand through his hair.

"And what lesson is that, asshole?!" muttered Dean forcefully through gritted teeth.

Castiel leaned in conspiratorially to whisper, "You'll have to figure that out."

"I fucking hate you so damn much right now, Cas."

"We'll see about that," he smirked.

Dean was interrupted before he could respond by the reappearance of their waitress who took their orders after giving them a weird look.

* * *

After eating dinner, Dean begrudgingly dragged Castiel to the theater to see some cheesy rom-com. He was loathe to find out what other sadistic ideas his lover had in mind, and for the first thirty minutes of the movie he was tense and hardly paying attention, but after thinking that maybe Castiel was done with lesson-teaching he finally relaxed. Dean had chosen the seats in the back just in case.

Castiel knew the exact moment that Dean was no longer worried about what he was going to do because he turned into a lax vegetable next to him. He needed only to wait for the opportune moment. Towards the end of the movie came the love scene which the shorter man decided to take advantage of. He slowly turned towards the Hunter and brought a hand to the inside of his thigh and began rubbing circles there while discreetly bringing his hand closer and closer to its prize. He pressed his lips to Dean's neck and smiled at the sigh he received and the subtle movement of the other man's neck to allow better access.

When the blue eyed man finally went to caress the crotch of his lover, Dean promptly grabbed his hand and turned to him with a stern look on his face. "Quit being a cock-tease, _sweetheart_ ," he growled.

"Why, are you not enjoying it? Because I'd say that you are, _beloved._ " He squeezed Dean's rapidly forming erection firmly and captured the resulting moan with his mouth.

"Fuck, Cas, what's the lesson I'm supposed to learn here, huh?" Dean whimpered. His baby is way too good at getting him riled up, but this quitting business right before the good part was going to drive him insane fast.

Castiel stole a look into the other man's eyes and his face turned stone cold angry causing Dean's eyes to widen in fear. "The lesson here is that when I say I want to fuck, Dean Winchester, then I want to _fuck_. We can observe human tradition after a romp in the sheets. A month with only my hands for company is taxing. Now, you and I are going to walk out of this theater, you will drive us to a secluded area, and we are going to fulfill a fantasy I have had for years," explained Castiel through gritted teeth. He hardly waited for Dean's response before roughly grasping the Hunter's hand and leading him away.

After several minutes on the road, Dean pulled Baby onto a dirt road that lead to a wooded area with a large pond. The surface of the water reflecting the moon's light made everything it touched look ethereal.

"Get in the backseat," commanded Castiel breaking the heavy silence before Dean could even speak. With shaky hands, the Hunter opened his door and promptly sat in the back. His breath hitched when he saw the feral look on his lover's face.

"Fuck, baby, you're giving me that look again and I can't tell who's going to be what this time," Dean said with a breathy voice.

Castiel approached the other man and shut the door behind himself and turned to look at those verdant eyes before replying, "I'd very much like to ride you like the cowboy you are, Dean," he said as he made to straddle his lap, "In this great, big, black, steel horse you ride. And while Bon Jovi only rocks on occasion, _beloved_ , I can assure that I will be rocking you on _all_ occasions."

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, Cas," Dean shivered, "You've been practicing again?" he asked, gripping Castiel's hips firmly as if to make sure that was in fact real. Where did his innocent little Angel go, and who replaced him with this absolute _vixen_? Not that he's complaining.

"I have been educating myself on many aspects of human life. Specifically sex. I've noticed that the things you like the most are being manhandled and raunchy figures of speech. Both of which I am happy to provide," Castiel smiled. He gripped the hair on the back of Dean's head firmly and roughly brought their lips together. A loud groan filled the air and neither was sure to whom it belonged. As the fight for dominance was happening in their mouths, Castiel started a subtle roll of his hips; grinding softly at first, and gaining strength with each roll. Dean pulled back first to break for air, his eyes full of lust.

"Sweetheart, where are you learning all of this?" he asked breathlessly.

"I gathered this from the erotic film 'The Cowboy and the Twink', I believe. I have learned how to use the internet on the phones you gave me."

Dean couldn't help the shiver that ran down his spine. "Well, show me what you've learned, baby."

"With pleasure," Castiel purred. He brings their lips together hungrily and tears at their clothes until there is nothing left between them. He pulls back from the kiss when he is out of breath but keeps their faces close enough so that they are breathing each other's air. The Angel rakes his blunt fingernails down his Hunter's chest until he is gripping Dean's member. He watches as the Winchester's pupils dilate further and he worries his lip with his teeth to hold back a moan. Castiel keeps a firm grip on the seat behind Dean's head as he positions himself over the erection in his hand. Just before seating himself, Dean grabs him by the waist and hoists him up a few inches.

"What the hell are you doing, Cas?! If we don't have lube, we've got to at least use saliva to prep you! There's no way I'm gonna fuck you raw like that, it'll hurt!" Dean exclaims.

Castiel gives a look that Dean hasn't seen in a long time and has to admit he has missed. It's that particular condescending "I'm-an-angel-of-the-Lord-and-I-am-holier-than-thou" expression that is facing him right now.

"Do you recall what I told you at the theater a little while ago? When you called to give me a 1 hour warning of your arrival, I prepped myself, Dean," Castiel explained as he removed Dean's hands from his waist and seated himself on Dean in one quick motion. They both held their breaths as they got used to the feeling of being whole again. Castiel slowly brought himself up and down before gaining a moderate pace. Wrapping his arms around Dean's neck, he kissed at the juncture between neck and shoulder and licked his way to Dean's ear before whispering, " And do you know what? It felt so good, Dean. My body was shaking in anticipation because it knew it wasn't going to have to feel _empty_ anymore," he whispered huskily. "I started with one finger, pretending it was you, but it wasn't enough, Dean, it just _wasn't enough_. I quickly put in a second finger, chasing that _full_ feeling that only having your cock pistoning in and out of my naughty little hole gives me. But _two_? Two wasn't enough either, Dean, I needed _more_ ," he growled.

"Fuck, baby, what did you do?" Dean whimpered hardly above a whisper. _Holy shit where did Cas learn to talk so dirty?_

Castiel didn't answer until after he sped up his rhythm a little and slowed it back down tauntingly. "I'll tell you what I did, Dean. I teased myself a little. Circling my rim with three fingers before plunging them in, and I was starting to feel so _full_ , beloved, but it _still_ wasn't enough. I needed something _bigger_."

Dean was now holding Castiel's hips so hard he was sure they would bruise. "Shit, darlin', what'd you do?"

"Well, you see...I bought something a few weeks ago," Castiel replied with a smirk and a moan, "I bought an apparatus in the likeness of your penis. I pulled it out of my bag and I sucked it into my mouth because I enjoy the weight of your cock on my tongue. I got it nice and wet, beloved, before I brought my knees to my chest and slammed it into me. I brought myself to the brink, writhing, calling out your name, but I didn't allow myself to come because I wanted to come with you inside of me," Castiel finished breathlessly.

"God, why didn't you say something when I walked in?" gasped Dean. He can hardly remember what he did this morning, never mind a few hours ago.

"I tried, but you insisted on doing it your way. I only conceded when I knew this way, I'd get the privilege of having my way with you in your car," finished Castiel with a smirk.

"Who knew you could be this naughty, sweetheart?" Dean panted, "This is so fucking hot, baby, damn. I'm getting close."

"Mmmmm, as am I," groaned Castiel. "God, Dean, I can't go faster, but I need more," the Angel panted.

"That's alright, sweetheart, why don't you lie down for me?" Both men whimpered as Castiel unseated himself and laid down on the seat with one arm stretched back against the door to brace himself. All Dean could do was stare down at other man as he wantonly spread his legs with an expectant look in his eyes. "Look at you, sweetheart, all spread for me, your pretty little hole just twitching, waiting to be filled." It was Dean's turn to talk filthy.

"D-Dean, please," breathed Castiel.

"Please what, darlin'?" asked Dean as he made a bruise with his mouth on the inner part of Castiel's thigh. "What do you want?" he urged when he didn't receive an answer.

"I want you," the Angel whispered.

"Want me where, Castiel?" Dean asked as continued to push the other man's knees closer to his chest.

"Here," Castiel answered, pushing two fingers inside of himself, hastily pulling them in and out of himself. If the Hunter was going to tease, well, two could play at that game.

"Fuck, baby, how often do you finger yourself thinking of me?"

"If I'm at a motel? Once or twice a day," he smiled.

Dean couldn't take it anymore and with a growl removed Castiel's hand and plunged in rapidly. He didn't allow Castiel to get used to the feeling before he quickly pulled back and thrust forward forcefully. With a rigorous pace set, he leaned forward and kissed his Angel for all he's worth, hardly breaking for air.

"Are you gonna come all pretty for me?" Dean whispered after a few moments. Castiel nodded and whimpered as he reached down to jerk himself to completion. All it took for the Hunter to follow was to hear his Angel screaming his name. Dean collapsed on top of his lover after he thrust through their highs.

After a minute of catching their breaths, Dean leaned up and lazily kissed Castiel. "Damn, baby, I've gotta say...that was the absolute hottest thing I've ever seen."

"You are welcome," Castiel countered smugly, reaching up for another kiss. The two lovers laid in silence for a short while, basking in their afterglow.

"Is there anything you miss about being an Angel?" Dean asked after a few moments of lazy kisses and touches. He knows that he's asking a loaded question but he wants to be sure that he is being considerate of Castiel. Being thrust into the human life the way he was had to be hard on him, and there was the slight possibility that he hasn't voiced it yet.

Castiel didn't answer at first because the question was so random. Of course there are the obvious things that he misses like being to flit around quickly, having superhuman strength, and having the ability to heal. After another moment's consideration he answers, "My wings. I miss flying in general, but I genuinely miss my wings."

"I bet they were the were prettiest little things, too. All fluffy and white. I'm so sorry that Metatron tricked you," Dean said forlornly. He gained a frown when he heard the Angel chuckling.

"Actually, Dean, do you remember those little figurines you carved of us?"

"Yeah...actually...you know, I have no idea what compelled me to paint them black," he stated quizzically.

"Well, you can consider those an exact representation of my wings. They weren't always so, but I think your subconscious must recall them."

"What do you mean they weren't always like that?" Dean pouted.

"Before I raised you from Hell-"

"Are you telling me it's MY fault they're black?" Dean asked in shock. _Fuck_ , he _knew_ he had messed something up.

"Would you allow me to finish, beloved, before you come to the wrong conclusion?" Castiel asked, patiently running a hand through his lover's hair to calm him. He continued when Dean nodded, "Now, before I rescued you they didn't have a stable color at all. They would constantly shift all over the Angelic spectrum of colors and I was often chastised for it. It was quite embarrassing actually. But then I was called to do that which I was created to do. We laid siege to Hell and the constant barrage of Hell Fire turned them to black, and I couldn't have been prouder. I was still different from others but now they were a symbol of my devotion to the mission. They were a symbol of my devotion to _you_. So black they may be, but impure they are not."

"Wow, Cas, I-I don't even know what to say." And he honestly didn't. What could be said to that anyway?

"There's nothing _to_ say, beloved, least of all a "thank you." The only thing I require to hear is that you love me."

"I love you, Cas," said Dean through a yawn.

"Let's get dressed, beloved, I do not wish to stay sticky and dirty in the backseat of your car for much longer."

* * *

As soon as the two men walked through the door to the motel room, they dressed down to their boxers and immediately fell asleep in each other's arms. That night, Dean would dream of something he hasn't in a very long time.

_"Well, hey there, beautiful. What's your name? Let's see if we can't get that pretty mouth of yours to work. I'll give you mine when you give me yours," came the taunting statement from the Righteous Man's lips._

_"Castiel," answered the man on the rack simply._

_"Oh, come now, sweetheart. We aren't going to play any games?" asked the Man while running a knife precariously close to the throat of the person in front of him._

_" What games would one play in Hell, Dean?" asked Castiel with a tilt of his head._

_"Wow. You're something else," replied Dean sarcastically. "Wait, I didn't tell you my name..."_

_" I've known your name, Dean Winchester, since the day I was born countless eons ago."_

_" How?" asked Dean angrily while pressing the knife hard enough to draw blood._

_"I was created to know you, Dean."_

_" I asked HOW!" Dean yelled. There was now a steady stream of blood leaking from the wound._

_"My Father told me."_

_" Yeah?" Dean scoffed, "And who might that be, huh?"_

_"_ _God," the man smirked._


	4. I Did What I Had To

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally forgot to mention this before (and if I have, just ignore me lol), but I named this after a line from the song "Hold On" by Alabama Shakes. I tend do this a lot actually, I listen to a lot of music that has a lot wonderful things to say and I use it as inspiration for my work :)   
> Sadly, this is a very short chapter. I have two more to upload before I'm caught up where I am on ff.net (I am Chrisinele-hime there) When I update there, you guys will get an update here either the same day, or the following day.  
> Also, Cas' ringtone on Dean's phone, I saw an opportunity and I took it. Anyways, enjoy!

"Hello, Dean," Castiel said groggily as he answered the phone. He had just fallen asleep thinking that it has been a few days since he and his lover had spoken and had resolved to call him in the morning. Imagine his surprise when his Hunter was now calling him in the middle of the night. There had to be something wrong.

"Cas! Cas-it's Sam!" yelled Dean frantically. The panic in the Winchester's voice was enough to clear the fog of sleepiness from his mind.

"What's wrong, Dean?" asked the Angel in a calming tone so as to ground Dean from his panicked state.

"It-It's Sam, _fuck_ I should I have known shit was going to go bad!-"

"Dean. Dean! Slow down. I don't understand what's going on."

"Alright. I'm sorry," he breathed. Shakily he continued, "Ok, I-I got home to the bunker last week, and Kevin told me that Sam had been acting weird the whole time I was with you. So we acted like shit was normal, and a few days ago we followed him and he met with Metatron, Cas. METATRON. We don't even know what the hell they're scheming! So we hightail it back to the bunker and set up a trap to catch him. God help me, Cas, I almost lost Kevin to that son of a bitch!" Dean was hyperventilating now and Castiel had to calm him once more before he continued.

"Dean, why didn't you call me when all of this transpired?" Castiel was a little hurt that Dean didn't find it within in him to trust that even though Castiel might be human now, he still held vast amounts of knowledge and skill.

"Because I didn't want to worry you, baby, but fuck, I-I need you here. We've got Crowley doing that thing he did to Alfie when he cracked him open last year to see if we can get to Sam, but I can't watch anymore. Can you take a bus to get here, sweetheart? I need to hold you," Dean pleaded.

"Yes, of course, Dean. I will leave immediately. I am in Oklahoma so I can be in Lebanon by this afternoon at the earliest, beloved. I will call you when I get a bus ticket with all the information."

"God, Cas, I'm so sorry for being so needy," Dean exhaled while running a trembling hand through his hair. The last week had taken its toll on him and he was running on caffeine alone. Now that he has talked with his lover, though, some of the jitters that racked through him have seemed to quell. Maybe he'll be able to sleep a little tonight if he can block out the screams coming from the dungeon.

"You're not being needy, Dean. You're worried about your brother. I hope my presence will provide you with as much solace as you seem to think it will."

"It will," Dean smiled. "Feelin' better already knowing that you're going to be here in a bit. Be careful, sweetheart."

"Of course, beloved. See you later today," replied Castiel before hanging up.

* * *

The Angel spent almost no time packing his things as he usually kept most of his stuff packed in case he needed to make a quick getaway. Looking at his watch, which read 2:30am, he sighed and opened the door to his motel room. After checking out, he began the trek to the station.

During his walk, Castiel couldn't keep the worry at bay anymore. He no longer had any distractions and he found himself thinking again about the chaos he was going to find at the bunker. He also couldn't help but ponder, again, about Dean's restlessness at night. He had noticed that the Hunter was sleeping the way he used to when he was freshly risen from Hell, and he can't help but think about those last five years of Perdition again. He shivered as he recalled those times with Dean and what he had needed to do to keep those memories at bay, but with his Grace gone...that has all been made futile.

He had created a temporary barrier composed of his Grace that created false memories for Dean of those last five years that needed to be replenished constantly by close proximity. (Hence Castiel's apparent disregard for Dean's "personal space.") The Angel hoped that Dean continued to forget the memories upon awakening, but he knew that that wouldn't last for long either. He was either going to have to find his Grace now, or have to face speaking to Dean about the things that the Hunter had begged Castiel to help him forget. It would put a damper on their relationship, he was sure of it. Catching sight of the station, Castiel picked up his pace a little.

Half an hour later, he was holding a ticket for Lebanon with an ETA for around 2pm in the afternoon and he sent the information to Dean via text with the warning that it was subject to change. Looking at his watch again, he saw that he had about 2 hours before the bus left and set an alarm on his phone for an hour and half later before nodding off on his bench in the station.

Castiel was abruptly brought to wakefulness by someone hauling him up to a standing position. As he took in his surroundings, he noticed the tip of an Angel blade at his throat.

"Hello, brother. Fancy meeting you here," smirked the angel in front of Castiel. "We were hoping to catch your favorite Winchester with you this time, but it seems that we missed that opportunity. Pity. I would have loved to see his face when we took you away from him."

Castiel could only thank his absent Father that Dean wasn't with him, but there was the matter of the ticket that had fallen near his feet that would spell out for these renegade Angels where his lover is. He absently put his foot forward to cover the ticket, and merely scowled at his siblings as he pushed the ticket beneath the bench he had occupied.

"Really? You have nothing to say to us, Castiel?"

"There is nothing that I could say that would change what you have already planned to do to me," answered Castiel in falsely even tone. If he was being truthful, he was terrified of what his siblings had in store for him. Angels were craftier than Demons.

"Mm. True. How perceptive you've become since falling prey to Metatron."

"Indeed."

"Well, enough. Let us take you some place more...private. We have much to discuss," sneered the man in front of him.

* * *

"Dean. Deeeeeeeaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn. DEAN!"

"What the fuck do you want, Crowley?!" yelled an exasperated Winchester. He hadn't realized that he was staring into space.

"I've been trying to speak to you for the past minute, squirrel. What has you in a tizzy? Besides Moose's current status, of course."

Dean glared at the Demon in front of him for a moment before conceding. "Cas said he was gonna be here hours ago, but he never called. I'm just worried." As if on cue, Warrant's "Cherry Pie", Castiel's ringtone, started blaring from the phone in Dean's pocket causing him to blush and Crowley to chuckle.

"How disgustingly adorable, Winchester," smirked Crowley as he walked away.

Dean waited until the Demon was out of ear shot before he answered breathlessly, "Hey, sweetheart, you've had me worried all day. You never called to tell me when to come get you." Dean froze at the dark chuckle that came through the speaker.

"'Sweetheart?!' Oh, how domestic of you, Dean! Castiel, if you weren't so screwed right now, I'd congratulate you."

Dean almost dropped his phone in shock at the voice that was speaking to him and everything that entails. The fact that he didn't know that voice sent a shiver down his spine and made his heart heavy. "Who the fuck are you? And what the fuck are you doing to Castiel?" growled Dean after a quick recovery.

"Oh, well, 'sweetheart,' and I are getting reacquainted. Much time has transpired since we last saw each other and there are some things we need to talk about." There was a grunt and muffled scream that made Dean's stomach turn in knots.

"You son of a bitch. If you hurt a hair-"

"Oh it's too late for that, Dean. We've got your lover here spilling blood all over the place. We would have preferred that he spill words, such as your whereabouts, but we can't get him to open up that pretty little mouth of his that we're sure he opens up nicely for you," mocked the voice.

"You just signed your death wish, asshole. I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna kick your ass so hard you're gonna wish Daddy was home to kiss your boo-boos. And if you know who I am, you know that I keep my promises. Just ask Zach! Oh wait-I stabbed him in his face." By now, Dean's gravelly tones had garnered the attention of Crowley and Kevin. Dean held up a finger asking for silence before either could inquire. "Now, listen to me. You're going to let Cas go-"

"Yeah, that's not going to happen, Winchester."

"Oh good. You picked my favorite answer. I'll be seeing you in a few hours. For your sake, Cas had better be alive."

"And if he isn't?"

"Then me and my knife skills are gonna have a good ol' time cuttin' you up nice and pretty for Daddy," Dean finished with the demented smile reserved for his torturing days. Even Crowley shuddered.

"What idiot has underestimated you this time?" asked Crowley after Dean ended the call.

"I didn't even get his name," he chuckled darkly. Dean can already feel his alter ego taking over and he takes a moment to collect himself. He freezes in shock as he is suddenly bombarded with the picture of Castiel mounted on a rack with Dean's own hand around his neck. He shakes his head when the vision is interrupted by Kevin snapping his fingers in his face.

"Jesus, Dean, you've been in out of it for days, man. What is it?" asked the boy.

"I don't know. I like get a flash of something and then I snap out of it and then I can't remember what the hell I just saw. Fuck, I haven't slept in four days, but I've got to find Cas."

"What's going on? What did that person want?"

"I honestly don't know, Kevin, but he's got Cas and I'm pretty sure they're torturing him. Let's hope these guys are stupid enough to keep the GPS on so I can find 'em." Dean leaves the two men to their extraction business as he rushes upstairs to a laptop. He immediately types in the web address for tracking the phone and sees that the phone is in Columbia, Missouri six hours away. The Hunter hurried to his room to pack a bag of random items that he and Cas would need (because he's going to find him without a doubt) and calls Kevin on his way out the bunker to leave instructions.

"Seriously, you couldn't walk downstairs?"

"I don't have time, Kevin. I'm out, alright? I'll be back tomorrow with Cas. You guys keep working on Sam. Call me if anything happens and let me know if you need to change tactics. You keep an eye on Crowley, alright? Don't take those cuffs off of him and I made a trap at the door to the dungeon so he can't get out. If you think he's doing something you don't like, you drag Sam outta there and you leave that son of a bitch in there to wallow until I get back, am I clear?"

"Yes, darling, loud and clear. Nice to know you have such faith in me, by the way."

"Why'd you put me on speaker?"

"I-I didn't know I wasn't supposed to! I just didn't want to have to repeat anything. Sorry," Kevin replied sheepishly.

"Well, good. Whatever. Just play by the rules, Crowley, and everyone gets what they want."

"As long as you keep your promises, Winchester."

"Yeah, yeah."

* * *

"Now, now, Castiel. There is no use crying over blood that hasn't been spilled yet."

"Malachi, please. Do what you want with me. Leave Dean out of this," begged the Angel.

"It's too late for that now, brother. Your knight in black armor is already on his way here," chuckled Malachi as he stepped out of the room. There was only one Angel keeping an eye on Castiel now. He was glad that he had been able to keep Dean's location from the Angel's otherwise they would know when Dean would show. Castiel estimated that he had six hours before his lover would arrive and he had the next five and half to concoct a plan of escape for the both of them.

* * *

Dean hardly remembers the six hour drive it took get to the shady building he's standing in front of, but he can't dwell on something so trivial now. He parks the Impala directly in front of the entrance and saunters up the front steps while checking the inside of his jacket for the Angel Blade he put in there an hour ago at the gas station where he gassed up Baby and himself. The Hunter is sure if gets cut he's going to be bleeding coffee instead of actual blood. He squares his shoulders and pushes open the door and is surprised when he isn't met with someone. As he makes his way past various rooms, he hears a commotion down the hall and he immediately takes off in that direction. He is stopped halfway down by an angel that he stabs hardly stopping to make sure that he is incapacitated. He rounds the corner into a cramped space filled with various bodies and Dean takes it upon himself to take out to angels before yelling.

"Cas! Cas, where are you?!" Dean exclaimed as he fought two angels at once.

"In here, Dean!" came the muffed reply.

"Well, well, you're here just in time to see your sweetheart die, Winchester!"

Dean stepped into the room in front of him after dispatching those in his way. The sight in front of him made his heart lurch. Castiel was on his knees with a hand in his hair holding his head back, an angel blade against his throat.

"And you must be the asshole that I spoke to earlier."

"Indeed. Name's Malachi," he smiled.

"I don't give a rat's _who_ you are," growled Dean stepping forward tentatively.

"You know...I'd be a little more considerate to whom you're speaking. Especially when that person is holding someone you care about." Castiel sucked in a breath as he felt the tip of the blade puncture his throat allowing for a small stream of blood to trickle down. He could see Dean flinch and he tried to hold on for the both of them, but the blood loss he had incurred over the past day alone was enough to make him woozy never mind his lack of sleep and sustenance. He slumped forward heavily as he blacked out.

"CAS!" shouted Dean as he saw his Angel's eyelids droop closed.

"Hm," pondered Malachi as he looked at Castiel. "Wasn't expecting that. Probably should have fed him or something. It's so easy to forget how susceptible you pesky little humans can be," he chuckled.

"You know what? I've about had it with you," growled Dean as he pulled out his favorite gun and aimed for the other man's head. He smirked at the smug look on the angel's face.

"I know you've been around long enough to know that your little weapon there isn't going to hurt me."

"Yeah?" he smiled. "We'll see about that," replied Dean as he pulled the trigger. The shock on Malachi's face as he died sent a satisfactory drop of glee into his gut until he looked at his lover sprawled out on the floor.

"Cas! Cas, baby, come on. Wake up!" Dean shook the Angel's body until he saw Castiel's eyes flicker open. "Oh thank God! Are you ok?!" As he asked, Dean took the chance to really look at Castiel and he couldn't keep the tears that welled up in his eyes from falling. There were countless bruises and cuts lining the torso of his lover. Castiel hissed as Dean ran a tentative finger along a particularly nasty bruise along his ribs.

"I-I think I need food. And water...and rest," rasped Castiel. "How did you kill Malachi?"

"Son of bitch didn't think we were clever enough to melt down Angel blades into bullets," chuckled Dean earning a smile from Castiel. "Come on, let's get outta here before the police show up," grunted Dean as he stood up.

"Dean...I don't think I have the energy to walk."

"That's alright, I'll carry you."

Dean leaned down to help bring Castiel into a standing position and then proceeded to carry the man bridal style to the Impala. Once seated, Castiel promptly fell asleep and the Hunter was left to ponder their next move. Neither of them was in a state that would allow them to go back to the bunker that night, but they couldn't stay in this town either. Dean made the decision to drive for an hour and a half before stopping at a convenience store. He changed his bloodied shirt before stepping inside to buy all the supplies he would need to clean up Castiel's wounds as well as some food and water. After driving a few more miles, he found a fairly cheap motel and paid for the night.

After paying, Dean went to the room and opened the front door as well as the door to the bathroom before going to the car to retrieve an aching Castiel. With the adrenaline and caffeine no longer running through his system, Dean is feeling sluggish and has trouble carrying his lover but somehow manages to make it to the bathtub before he carefully places the Angel down. He then proceeds to unclothe the blue eyed man as carefully as possible, grimacing when pulls a hiss from Castiel.

"Dean..." he groans.

"I'm here, Cas."

"I need water."

"Alright, hold on. I'm almost done here." Dean takes off the last piece of his lover's clothes and turns on the water to a comfortable temperature before retrieving a bottle of water from the adjacent room. Once he deems the temperature adequate, he puts the stopper down to allow the water to collect. Dean places a hand behind the Angel's head to bring him forward enough to drink from the bottle, only allowing him to sip at the water. Too much at once and Castiel would only throw it back up. Knowing that cleaning the other man was only going to get himself wet, Dean undressed until he was only clothed in his underwear before he bent back over Castiel with a washcloth in his hand.

Turning off the tap, Dean started to carefully wash Castiel who continued to keep his eyes closed as if he was too tired to hold them open any longer. He carefully avoided the scrapes he had accrued from his torture, but he would accidentally brush something that would make Castiel cry out. Dean could no longer hold back the sobs when he saw the tear tracks traveling down the Angel's face.

"Dean. Dean, it's ok," croaked Castiel. Dean looked up to find himself drowning in blue.

"No, Cas, it ain't. It's my fault. All of it. Everything. Sam. Almost lost Kevin. You. I'm sure Crowley's going to find a way to fuck us over either before or after Abaddon. I just-fuck-I'm such a screw up. Fucking poison. You guys should just cut your losses and leave me."

Castiel could only stare at Dean in shock. He couldn't believe that still after all this time, Dean didn't think he was worth anything.

"Dean. Dean, _look_ at me. You cannot believe that still," Dean scoffed before he could stop himself. "You may have made rash decisions in your lifetime, Dean, but I believe that they were done with heart. With good intentions," spoke Castiel with conviction.

"Yeah, well, you know what they say. The road to hell..." he trailed off with a fake smile. Castiel will never be able to express how much he abhors that particular smile on Dean's face.

"Dean. Stop it. When we fix your brother, because we will, we are going to all of us sit down and talk. I know that you hate what you have termed hen moments-"

"Chick-flick-"

" _Whatever_ moments," Castiel interrupted sternly. "We are going to remedy this misconception you have of yourself. Do you understand me?" Castiel glared at his lover until green met blue and Dean conceded with a nod. "Good. Can I get out now? So we can clean these wounds and eat?"

* * *

An hour later, Dean was freshly showered and finally coming to lay down next to the Angel. It seemed that the moment he laid his head on the pillow, he was met with a nightmare.

_The stench of sulfur permeated everything in Hell. There was nothing Dean could do to escape that foul smell except maybe drown it out with the coppery smell of blood. He smirked to himself as he turned to his cart of instruments. He ran a finger along a rusted scalpel before picking it up. In the beginning of his training, he would spend an hour after torturing some poor soul cleaning his instruments until one day Alistair caught him doing so and reprimanded him. Keeping them dirty would help with future victims. He's been using the same ones for seven years. Turning around, he is greeted by his favorite sight._

_"Hi, sweetheart," he smiled._

_"Did ya miss me?" Dean was met with a silence that made him smile wider._

_"You know, we've known each other for two years now, Cas, I thought we were friends."_

_"Indeed, we are friends."_

_"So how come you don't play with me?" Dean whispered huskily in the Angel's ears. He toyed with the Grace dampening collar around Castiel's neck._

_"Because this isn't a game, Dean," answered Castiel curtly._

_Dean_ hated _that answer. He_ needed _it to be a game. "Dammit, Cas! Why can't you just be like the others?!" Dean yelled exasperatedly as he stabbed the man in front of him in the stomach. He watched as Castiel coughed up blood and stoically went back to the blank stare he borrowed when Dean would start carving into him. He wouldn't speak during the hours that Dean would spend trying to coax anything out of him. And all that did was piss him off more and more._

_When it was a 'game' Dean could separate the part of him that turns sick at the things he does. He can pretend that it's not real and that the people he's hurting are only pretending as well. Without that pretext, Dean would have to face everything he has done since he came off the rack and he just can't. He can feel the cracks in soul and they weigh heavily on his conscience. Castiel is the one person that doesn't play by the rules and by the time his day ends, he is a crying mess as he is forced to contemplate his actions. When the Angel feels that Dean is done, he finally speaks the three words that Dean both dreads and needs to hear._

_"I forgive you."_

* * *

The Hunter wakes with a gasp and stares at the man next to him. Early morning light is just now coming through the windows so he figures he's had several hours of sleep. He looks at his trembling hands and runs them through his hair. He didn't forget the dream this time. He doesn't realize he's hyperventilating until Castiel stirs.

"Dean, what's wrong, beloved?" Castiel backs away when Dean flinches at the endearment.

"Cas," he breathes. He grips the blanket tightly as if to anchor himself in the moment.

"What is it, love?" Dean flinches again and Castiel's eyes widen in fear.

"Cas, please tell me that I never had you on the rack. And don't lie to me," he growled the last statement.

When Castiel didn't answer, Dean turned to the Angel and he sucked in a breath at the fear etched on his lover's face.

"Cas. Answer me."

"I can't, Dean. Because I would have to lie to you," he whispered.

"How long?" he growled.

"How long what?"

"How long did I have you on that rack?!" Dean yelled.

Castiel's eyes are starting to overflow as he shakes his head.

"Please, please don't ask that."

"Answer me!"

It was Castiel's turn to flinch at the anger rolling off his lover.

"Five," he answered simply.

"Five what, Cas?" Dean demanded. "Hours, days, weeks, months?"

Castiel shook his head at each option. "Years."

Dean felt his heart stop.


	5. You Can't Mean That

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! Please feel free to leave comments, good or bad, alright? The only thing I ask is for civility.

"F-five...five years?" Dean gasped in shock. He held his head cradled in his hands. Out of the corner of his eyes he could see Castiel's hand coming to touch him, but he shook his head. He doesn't deserve the comfort. He watched as the hand clenched into a fist and laid back on top of the comforter. "Why?" he asks simply.

"You never divulged why you specifically kept me for all of those years. That was something you kept to yourself because you honestly had the tools to kill me at your disposal. I can, however give you a guess." When Dean made no signs of saying anything, the Angel breathed to speak again. "I think you subconsciously knew, or hoped, that I would be the one to raise you, but I couldn't take you broken as you were. You cracked your soul in half when you finally succumbed to Alistair's offer," Castiel's voice cracked as he continued. "It took me 35 years to reach you, and by the time I got to you your soul was blemished. It was no longer the beacon that it was when I first ventured into Hell. We know now that I wasn't actually supposed to reach you before then, but it still feels like I failed you, Dean. So I spent those five years doing whatever it took to heal your soul," Castiel finished.

"How? How do you fix a soul like mine?! I was- _am_ -one sick fuck!" the Hunter yelled through his fingers because he still couldn't look his lover in the eye.

"You needed forgiveness, Dean. I allowed myself to get caught so that I would be brought to you. I had heard rumors that you were Alistair's favorite and that he would give you the best people to torture-"

"Are you fucking serious?!" Dean exclaimed gripping his hair harder.

"Yes," he answered simply. He paused before continuing with, "I hadn't anticipated the Grace dampening shackles, but I had a mission. I had to restore you body _and_ soul. I was not to be deterred in that."

Dean shook his head violently and focused a harsh gaze upon Castiel. The Angel was aware that the gaze was more in self-loathing than anything else, and that any anger isn't really being directed at him, but at Dean himself. "So you just let me carve into you for five years? Over and over?!" The Hunter was pulling at his hair at what could only be painful levels. His voice shook as he asked, "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why couldn't I remember before this?" he clarified.

Castiel shook his head. "I don't think I should tell you. It's something you are going to have to remember on your own, beloved." The dark haired man hesitated before placing a soothing hand on his lover's back. Dean allowed the touch, and Castiel counted himself lucky. He knew that this peace was false. Dean would undoubtedly find a way to pour more hatred into himself and would lash out at Castiel as a result. Whatever Dean decides for their relationship Castiel will have to just accept. He couldn't help but sigh to himself. Had he not trusted Metatron he could have kept the burden of this secret off of the Hunter's soul. Now they will have to go through a time of reconciling who they are and what they mean to each other.

"Let's uh...let's head out to the bunker. I'll check your wounds before we go," Dean choked out. He hastily got out of the bed and locked himself in the bathroom to get ready.

* * *

The eldest Winchester wouldn't meet Castiel's eyes the entire time that he was taking care of the abrasions on his lover's torso and it tore at the smaller man. He needed the reassurance that only meeting Dean's loving gaze could bring him. The longer the silence bore down on him, the harder it was for the Angel to keep his tears at bay. He heard Dean's breath hitch when one landed on his hand.

The Hunter looked up and reached a tentative hand to cup the other man's cheek. Their gazes met with such a tone of sadness and found that neither could breathe. They slowly brought their foreheads to meet, but Dean refused any other form of comfort. No doubt thinking that Castiel was only loving him out of pity. The sad thing is that this isn't the case at all. The Angel can recall all of their interactions with clarity, but Dean has to remember on his own. The Angel cannot tell Dean what he had been thinking while they were in Hell so it would be counterproductive to try to do so now. As difficult as it will undoubtedly be...Dean must remember on his own. Castiel has to brace himself for the retaliation that is sure to come his way. No matter what happens from here on out, Castiel will love Dean until the end of time.

In fact, the Angel honestly can't remember a time when he wasn't in love with Dean...even before the Hunter in front of him was born. As a fledgling, he would ask his Father when his charge was going to be born. This would earn him a fond chuckle and a pat to the head. "Do not fret, Castiel, he will be here before you know it," his Father would answer. The Angel could only pout with petulance.

"But, FATHEEERRR, why not _now?_ " he would insist with a tug of the hand of the being in front of him.

"Because, Castiel, it is not yet time for you to meet him. You are but a fledgling, how do you expect to protect him, hm? Gabriel has told me that you are neglectful in your studies, my son. Your ignorance could hurt your charge," He answered in a sage tone.

The little Angel's eyes widened in realization. "I'll go study right now, Father! I have to be ready for when Dean comes!" That was probably the last time that Castiel saw his Father, but the memory still brings a certain warmth to his heart.

He can still recall the countless hours he spent learning to be the best Angel he could be, and he's not sure when the transition happened, but he's sure it was not too long after that conversation that his Grace would flutter with the thought of Dean Winchester. As millennia after millennia passed, he would turn his head eagerly to the Earth at the mention of any name similar to that of his charge only to be disappointed every time it was a false alarm. He had almost given up hope until the day he received the sign of the impending arrival of his charge.

The day that Dean was born is one that Castiel will forever cherish. He had been out commanding his garrison on drill sequences when he felt a pull in the back of his mind. He had ceased speaking mid command and flew to the hospital just as his charge drew his first breath. He realized right then that the constant buzz in the back of his mind for the past ten months that had been growing louder and more insistent had been a sign of his charge's arrival.

He couldn't keep the tears of joy from coming down his face. He had been aware enough to stay invisible so that he could spend the next few hours watching over his charge without startling the humans. As Dean was whisked away from his parents to the ward where they kept the new borns, Castiel took it upon himself to follow the baby down the hall. He checked to make sure that his charge was free of any and all ailments and that he would sleep comfortably. The Angel couldn't keep the fond smile off his face for the entire time that he spent in his charge's presence. The hours seemed to fly by before Castiel remembered that he had left his garrison mid-practice. He lovingly gazed at the miracle in front of him, and leaned down to press a kiss to his brow. He spared one last caress to the cheek of the slumbering baby before he flew back home.

When he finally returned to Heaven, he was reprimanded by Uriel. He was not to interfere in his charge's life until he received his orders from higher up.

The wait had been unbearable.

First, there was the tragedy of Mary Winchester's death, followed by the catastrophe that was Dean's upbringing. He cringed in disgust at each piece of stolen innocence that Dean had to endure for the sake of finding his mother's killer. If Castiel could have had his way he would have paid John a visit and instilled the fear of God into him. It was unfair the way that Dean and his brother had to experience a life that was beyond tragic, and he had to sit back and watch as Dean was left to be a father to his brother. The Angel had to lament for the fact that Dean was left without much guidance but for the sporadic intervention of Bobby. There was constant apprehension and sorrow in Castiel's actions for much of Dean's life, but the day that the Hunter had lost his little brother was one that tugged at his heart strings.

Castiel had spent many years contemplating just WHAT could make the beautiful soul before him ever make it's way into Hell. Sure, Dean was not the most chaste of men, but surely he would have to commit something heinous in order to deserve such a punishment. Castiel for the life of him couldn't fathom anything that Dean would consider doing that would be horrible enough...until he saw Sam draw that last breath in Dean's arms. The physical pain that Dean was feeling was enough to force the Angel on his knees and made him despondent for a few days. It was a wonder that Dean was still able to function under the pressure of such a heavy heart. He could see everything that was going through his Hunter's mind, and gasped when he realized just what would land Dean in Hell. Watching Dean kiss that abomination to seal the deal sent Castiel reeling. He was elated that Dean no longer felt the loss of his brother, but now he was aware that he was going to have to witness his charge get torn apart by Hell Hounds. And not in ten years, but one.

Rescuing that broken soul was probably the hardest, yet most rewarding thing to ever happen to Castiel. The things that happened between the two men were pure in their intent; Dean sought to break that which couldn't be broken, and Castiel sought to fix that which was broken.

* * *

The Angel sighs from his seat in the Impala for what seems the hundredth time since the two lovers had set out on their way back to the bunker. Dean had already called ahead to forewarn the others of their arrival within the hour. The suffocating air was heavy enough that the Angel felt as if he were going to be bent in half from the pressure. Dean hadn't spoken a word except to ask the other man if he needed to stop somewhere to let him know. Castiel couldn't help but feel as if he would pull his hair out. As an Angel he never needed to read Dean's mind because of the five years they had known each other in Hell, and he doesn't need to have the ability now either.

He knows that Dean is trying to focus on the road in front of him but fails to do so, and his mind wanders into territory he isn't equipped to handle. The latter is evident in the way his knuckles will turn white from the force with which he is gripping the steering wheel.

Castiel longs to reach over and grasp the hand of his lover in the way they used to before the memories began to leak. He had forewarned Dean all those years ago about the consequences of severing the memories from his conscious mind.

The shorter man spares another glance in the direction of his lover and is met with an apprehensive glance.

"Dean, I-" Castiel starts. He stopped mid sentence because Dean's grip on the wheel tightened once more and he shook his head while sighing. "But-"

"Cas," Dean stated sternly. "Just. Can we talk about this later?" he pleaded.

Castiel turned his gaze back to the road and nodded. "Of course, Dean." He knew there wouldn't be a "later" to speak of, but resigned himself to silence anyway.

* * *

The moment that Dean pulled Baby into the garage, he tore out of the car as if electrocuted. Castiel steadily walked to the trunk and took his and Dean's bags out before heading inside. He knew that Dean would first go to check on Sam so he headed to place their things in the Hunter's bedroom first.

When he finally made his way down to the dungeon, it was to find Dean bickering with Crowley.

"You want to do WHAT?" Dean roared.

"I want to possess Moose. If I can get into him, I might be able to talk him into kicking out the bastard. I thought it best to consult the next of kin before having Kevin tear at the anti-possession tattoo," said Crowley as if expecting praise for his consideration.

"Is this what you guys have been doing this whole time? Coming up with stupid shit? Did you learn ANYTHING while I was gone?"

Kevin coughed in order to gain Dean's attention. "He let slip who he is," he offered.

"Uh, yeah. Ezekiel. We already know that, dumb ass."

"No, squirrel. Gadreel," Crowley spoke with a convincing solemn look on his features.

That name made Castiel gasp loud enough to cause Dean to turn to him.

"Are you sure, Crowley?" the Angel spoke barely audible. He couldn't help the shiver that ran down his spine at the implications if their findings were true.

"Absolutely. We got into his coding a little bit, and he spit forth his name," the Demon answered.

"Dean," he spoke turning to the hunter, "When I was being held hostage I vaguely heard something in a half delirious state that I deciphered just now. Ezekiel died in the fall. And if this is Gadreel, then we have more to fear than I thought."

"AND YOU'RE JUST SAYING THIS NOW?!" Dean angrily walked up the Angel who stood his ground with an angry glare.

"You are aware that I was unconscious and under duress for much of the last 36 hours, correct? Everything was hard to understand under that cloud of starvation and torture." Castiel growled. He knows how touchy the Hunter gets when something is wrong with Sam, but it can be down right annoying...at all times, really. "But Dean you need to listen to me. You have no idea just how bad this is for Sam. Gadreel is the one that caused the fall of man from the Garden."

"Like Eden? Adam and Eve? Wasn't that Lucifer?" Dean asked for clarity's sake. He's never been to Sunday School, but he knows that much at least.

"Yes, the snake was Lucifer, but the Angel on guard that allowed the snake into the Garden was Gadreel." Castiel could see how the words affected Dean, and he wished he could take this all away. Dean seemed to sway on the spot, and the Angel rushed forth to steady him.

"Fuck, Cas, are you sure?" Dean whimpered. He merely nodded as he placed a hand behind Dean. The Hunter roughly pulled out of his grip and turned to look away. "I just...I just need a minute. I'll be back. No one bother me." The three men watched as the eldest Winchester walked out of the dungeon.

"What's got his knickers in a knot?" scoffed Crowley as he noisily dropped his tool onto his tray.

Castiel couldn't help turning to Crowley with a glare that was sharp enough to hurt to say, "If Dean allows you to do this, and you betray us, Crowley, I will not hesitate to kill you."

"Apparently there is a line, love. You needn't worry about my intentions, Angel, only your lover's. All not well in Paradise?" the demon smirked snugly.

Castiel turned to leave the room without responding, feeling that his silence was the only answer the Demon needed. He went to the library to wait for Dean to come out of his room since the it had the best view of the hallway that led to the bedrooms. There was only a few minutes of silence before he heard the telltale signs of Dean losing his temper and taking it out on the wall. The Angel decided to forget his Hunter's wishes, and made his way to the room. He found Dean sitting on his bed, bloody hands holding his head. Castiel quietly moved past his lover, and went to retrieve the first aid kit in the en suite bathroom.

When he came back out, Dean made no move to show that he knew someone was in the room with him until Castiel gently grabbed his hand.

"Cas," he croaked. "I said I wanted to be alone." Dean angrily yanked his hand from Castiel's grip when he didn't say anything. "Did you fucking hear me?!"

"Yes. I am merely choosing to disregard your anger, and take care of you since you are dead set on disregarding yourself!" Castiel yelled. Dean flinched when Castiel yelled because he was reminded of what he used to be. Dean huffed a breath and Castiel counted it a blessing when he was allowed to attend to the wounds again. It was therapeutic in a way for the Angel since he no longer had the power to heal instantly, he could still do it this way. They sat in silence while Castiel worked on the hands he loves so much. He rubbed a soothing finger over the bandages when he finished, and was disappointed when his lover wouldn't meet his eyes.

Dean abruptly pulled his hand back to stand. The shorter man could only sigh and resign himself to his current fate. Dean was not likely to let off this treatment for a while. The other man walked out the door without a glance back at Castiel nor a thank you. The Angel went to replace the first aid kit in the bathroom before meeting everyone in the dungeon once more.

* * *

"Alright, Crowley. Let's do this your way. If you so much as harm a hair on my brother's head, you will be finished forever. Do I make myself clear?" Castiel heard Dean threaten.

"Crystal. We have a deal, Winchester. One of the utmost importance. I do not back off on my word; bad for business. And d'you know if I had a soul, I'm sure it would be heavy with sorrow at the amount of confidence you share in me," the Demon drawled.

Dean grunted and stepped forward to slice through the tattoo on his brother's chest, a grimace present on his features. The Angel stepped forward to rub a reassuring hand up and down his lover's back just as Sam's body engulfed Crowley.

"Cas. Stop. That's not helping," Dean growled.

The shorter man pulled back his hand as if burned by the words. He merely glared at Dean as he balled his hand into a fist by his side. He saw Kevin's brow lift in question at the stiff interaction between the two men. Castiel just shook his head before he could inquire anything. This thing was between him and Dean.

After an agonizing minute, the three men watched as Sam dispelled Gadreel and then Crowley from his body. Dean quickly ran to his brother to untie him from the contraption he has been strapped to for the past few days.

"Sammy! Sam, are you ok?!" Dean exclaimed, running his hands all over his brother. He needed to be sure that there wasn't anything wrong with him; a wound he might have missed.

The younger Winchester looked around confused before settling on his brother's face. "Dean? I-I...I don't know if I'm ok," Sam mumbled as he gently pushed his brother away from himself and stood to walk past everyone.

Dean felt his heart clench a little as his brother walked out of the room, and it really constricted in his chest when he saw the scowl on Castiel's face, the confused gleam from Kevin, and the sympathetic look on Crowley's. He clenched his jaw as he scurried to his room once more. He had a lot to think about right now.

Castiel huffed a breath and left the room as Kevin was replacing the cuffs on Crowley.

The Angel glared at his lover's closed door as he walked by and stepped into Sam's room. He could hear the shower going and decided to wait on the chair near the bed until Sam came out.

He heard the annoyed huff before long and cringed in anticipation for whatever Sam had to dish.

"How long have you known?" the taller man asked hardly above a whisper.

"About you being possessed? Since the day I arrived at the bunker. In fact, I had to leave the bunker because you were possessed. Ezekiel-no Gadreel- insisted upon it. He said that I would attract angels to your location. He was right, of course, but it didn't hurt any less."

Sam gave a humorless chuckle before continuing with his interrogation. "I get why my asshole of a brother did this, but why did you keep this from me? I thought we were friends, Castiel!"

Castiel was quiet as he collected his thoughts. There was no point in keeping anything from Sam anymore now that he knew everything. In fact, it may help Sam and Dean reconcile, as ungrateful as that particular bastard could be.

"You were dying, Sam. He told your brother that he was Ezekiel, and by the time I met up with you guys, I no longer had Grace and therefore couldn't differentiate him from any other Angel. I know that this doesn't justify your brother's actions, but he thought he was doing the right thing," Castiel consoled.

"Tch. Yeah. Well, I remember everything. Including my talk with Death. I was ready to die, Cas. In that church and again in that hospital. I was going to do it so that we could put a stop to this shit. But that-that rat bastard selfishly took that away from me. It was MY choice, Cas. MY choice to make. That son of a bitch out there just can't stand the thought of being alone, and has to drag me back into the mix of things when I'm just tired. So fucking tired," Sam exclaimed.

"You cannot mean that, Samuel. I know that the love for your brother is deeply ingrained."

"I didn't say that I don't love my dick of a brother. I love him more than anything, he's all I've got in this world, but I was done. He needs to let me go."

"If the situation were reversed, you mean you wouldn't do the same?" Castiel asked dreading the answer.

"I wouldn't."

"Sam-" the Angel gasped.

"No, hear me out. I wouldn't because I love him. I love him enough to let him go. I know he's tired of this fight, too, but it's all he knows. He thinks it's all he can be. So if I were in Dean's shoes, I would have let him die so that he could finally find the peace he deserves. But he took that choice away from me, Cas, and I don't know if I can forgive him."

"I'm sorry, Sam," Castiel spoke sincerely. He hadn't considered this from Sam's perspective at all, and he can now see the error in thinking so closed-minded. Sam may do things that seem harsh at first, but there is always so much heart in the thought processes he goes through before making such decisions. Castiel can appreciate that kind of thinking now that he has an explanation for Sam's anger. Now he cannot help but feel horrible in helping Dean keep this secret.

"It's not your fault, Cas," Sam sighed.

"In a way, it is. Because I chose to listen to Metatron instead of you and your brother, I brought about all of this. If I could go back and take it all back, I would. You and your brother deserve better than a friend that causes nothing but grief."

"You couldn't have known this would happen."

"I still should have known better. Just like your brother." Sam huffed in annoyance again. "He did what he thought was right, Sam. I will leave you to rest now."

Before Castiel reached the door, Sam spoke one last time. "Thanks, Cas, for talking with me. I didn't know I need to let it out."

"You are most welcome, Sam."

* * *

Dean sat in the darkness of his room for God knows how long before he finally plucked up the courage to go talk to his brother. Before he could knock on the door, he heard voices inside.

"-asshole of a brother did this, but why did you keep this from me? I thought we were friends, Castiel!" _Fuck_. It figures that Castiel would make it here first. He was going to turn around before he was stopped by Castiel's answer.

"You were dying, Sam. He told your brother that he was Ezekiel, and by the time I met up with you guys, I no longer had Grace and therefore couldn't differentiate him from any other Angel. I know that this doesn't justify your brother's actions, but he thought he was doing the right thing," Castiel consoled.

"Tch. Yeah. Well, I remember everything. Including my talk with Death. I was ready to die, Cas. In that church and again in that hospital. I was going to do it so that we could put a stop to this shit. But that-that rat bastard selfishly took that away from me. It was MY choice, Cas. MY choice to make. That son of a bitch out there just can't stand the thought of being alone, and has to drag me back into the mix of things when I'm just tired. So fucking tired," Sam exclaimed.

Dean's heart throbbed as he heard the way his brother spoke about him. Of course Sam has every right to feel this way, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt like a mother fucker hearing it anyway.

"You cannot mean that, Samuel. I know that the love for your brother is deeply ingrained."

The eldest Winchester can only stand there conflicted. He knows he's been treating Castiel like absolute shit, yet here he is defending him. That issue, however, is for another time.

"I didn't say that I don't love my dick of a brother. I love him more than anything, he's all I've got in this world, but I was done. He needs to let me go."

"If the situation were reversed, you mean you wouldn't do the same?"

Dean held his breath, his heart thumping hard against his ribs. At this point he doesn't know what answer he expects from Sam. He still wasn't ready for the answer when it did come.

"I wouldn't."

His heart now lays shattered and aching. The only reason he heard the rest was that he was in too much shock to even move from that spot in front of the door.

"Sam-"

"No, hear me out. I wouldn't because I love him. I love him enough to let him go. I know he's tired of this fight, too, but it's all he knows. He thinks it's all he can be. So if I were in Dean's shoes, I would have let him die so that he could finally find the peace he deserves. But he took that choice away from me, Cas, and I don't know if I can forgive him."

In a way this answer was both good and bad. On the one hand, he can see his mistake. He hadn't considered Sam when he made that decision. On the other hand, he may have lost his brother. He turns around and encloses himself in his room once more. He is surprised when he hears the door to his bedroom open, and Castiel walks in.

* * *

The Angel's heart is heavy with the conversation he has just had with the younger brother. He steps into Dean's room vowing to shower before even thinking of speaking to his lover. As he walks into the room, he sees Dean sitting with his head in his hands again, and his heart squeezes a little at the sight. He yearned to reach out and touch him but refrained from doing so, and instead started to search for his bags. After a quick search found him still empty-handed, he turned to ask, "Dean, where are my things?"

"In your room," came the curt reply that stabbed right through Castiel's heart. His anger was quick to recover at that answer.

"So that is how you are going to be? You're going to push me away? Of course you are! What else does Dean Winchester do but push everything that matters away? You know what? I hope you drown in your self-loathing," Castiel hissed. He slammed the door as hard as possible and did the same with his own. A little bit of satisfaction crept in with each slam, but the it was hard to dwell on it when his heart and mind were heavy with contempt for his lover. He should have known that Dean was going to do this. He could have spared himself the hurt if he had just remembered this sooner and just placed his things in his own room to begin with. He no longer felt like showering. He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

* * *

Dean thought he had done himself and Castiel a favor by sleeping in separate rooms until they solved their issue. He just wasn't ready to deal with everything right now. He needed to get out before he couldn't breathe anymore. He grabbed his things and made his way to the dungeon. Might as well to kill two birds with one stone.

"And to what do I owe this particular pleasure, poppet?"

"You're coming with me," Dean grunted as he hastily undid the cuffs holding the Demon in place.

"Ah. You are going to hold up your part of the deal, then? Excellent. Where is your shadow?" asked the Demon as he looked around finding the space next to Dean to be empty.

"He ain't comin'."

"I wonder who put whom in the dog house," he mused aloud.

"That's none of your business, asshole. Now, get in the car so we can get out of here."

* * *

When Castiel awoke the next morning, he made his way to the kitchen and found Sam there with a scowl on his face.

"What's the matter, Sam?" inquired the Angel.

Sam turned around in surprise before answering, "Dean took off last night with Crowley. I thought you were with them, too. I can tell by the look on your face that you're not surprised anyway. Is there something going on between you two?"

The Angel nodded in response and sat down at the table.

"Mind telling me what it is?" asked Sam as he placed a coffee cup in front of the other man.

The Angel began with a sigh. "I guess the best way to start this would be to say that Dean is remembering Hell."

Sam could only look at the man in front of him in confusion. "He told me he never forgot."

"Some of those are false memories," Castiel explained while avoiding eye contact.

"What did you do, Cas?" the other man asked in shock.

"That which was begged of me," he answered simply.

* * *

Somewhere in the Midwest, Dean and Crowley are unknowingly being followed by a horde of demons loyal to Abaddon.

"I wonder if that Angel's ass was just too innocent for the likes of the Winchester, and he's decided to replace him with our previous King," taunted the Demon to his fellow loyalists.

"Either way, the Queen would be pleased if we can bring those two in. She wants to rip Crowley to shreds and she's really looking forward to wearing Dean. I wonder what's so special about him? I mean other than the waves of utter fuckability he gives off."

"He's the Michael Sword, dumb ass. He's a vessel made for the strongest Archangel."

"And?"

"So it's like getting the penthouse suite rather than a motel with an hourly rate, idiot."

"Well, hot damn. Let's get our Queen the best that money can buy," the second-in-command smirked.

The Demons motioned for the rest of the group to gather and move in on the two unsuspecting men as they entered a bar on the outskirts of the podunk town in the middle of nowhere.


	6. Necessary Pain in My Ass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, lovelies! I've caught up now! Chapter 7 is being written right now and it's almost halfway done, so don't anticipate a long wait :)  
> Please note that I love parallelism even in my fics so although I used a lot of dialogue from the show in the chapter, I wasn't being lazy. The interaction between Dean and Crowley and Cain in this particular episode was absolutely perfect, and I needed it. I did tweak it to fit a few things in there as well.

"Cas, care to elaborate?" asked Sam with a concerned edge to his voice. The younger Winchester motioned for the two of them to sit at the table. He had a feeling that he was going to need to be seated for whatever he was going to learn.

The Angel sat in silence as he fidgeted with his hands nervously. He obviously could not tell Sam that which he couldn't tell Dean. Or...maybe he could? After all, Dean had asked the same from him, had he not? That line of thought wasn't going to do anything but help the bitterness already present in his heart. He took a deep breath and looked around the kitchen. He knew he would have all the time he needed before he had to speak; Sam would allow him whatever time Castiel would require.

Maybe he could share a little, just not all.

"Sam, I need you to understand that there are going to be things I cannot tell you because they are not mine to tell," the Angel spoke sternly. When the other man nodded, he continued. "I was created knowing that I would be the one to raise Dean Winchester: The Righteous Man. I embarked on my mission the moment Dean's soul crossed the gates of Hell. It took me 35 years to reach him, and when I did, Dean had already spent five years off the rack. He had tarnished his soul by torturing others, and I needed to fix it before I could even think of raising him out. It took five years, but I was finally able to heal Dean's soul enough to raise him."

Castiel hesitated here. He had been vague enough so far, but he had now reached territory that he couldn't share with much depth at all. He decided on a partial lie. "I did that which was begged of me by my duty: I needed to replace some of the harsher memories so that he would mentally stay intact. He doesn't know that I am the one that messed with his memories, however. He thinks that I allowed another to do so, and he is cross about it." Castiel finished his statement with an aversion of his eyes.

The man across from him has spent years of his life observing people. Sam knows that he is not getting the entire truth here, but he cannot blame Castiel. Things are different in Hell, surely something happened between his brother and the Angel that just can't be talked about with others. Sam, for what it's worth, will just play along until the next time he sees his brother. Dean is a lot easier to crack, and the younger Winchester is sure that Castiel is keeping something to himself for the sake of his lover's reputation. That dick has no idea just how lucky he is to have someone so loyal to him despite the mistreatment.

Sam has always been able to take care of himself, but Dean can't function on his own. He needed to be cared for, or he needed to be the one doing the caring. So, Sam is going to make sure that his brother and his lover reconcile even if he and his brother cannot. "I know Dean can be a dick, Cas, but I'm sure he'll come back around," Sam said in order to comfort the man in front of him.

"I fear that he won't," the shorter man spoke with a slight tremble to his voice. Before he could get lost in his memories, he picked up his coffee and downed as much as he could.

"I know my brother, you're family, he doesn't give up on family. Don't sweat it," Sam reassured.

Castiel could only shake his head. Sam doesn't know the whole story. If he did, maybe he would abandon the Angel as well. Maybe he deserved it. Perhaps his relationship had been doomed from the start. He shouldn't have allowed himself to get in so deep. Were they even still together? Is it a mutual understanding that arguments acted as a break up? Castiel couldn't keep his thoughts from their darker route, and the next thing he knew was that he could no longer control his breathing.

"Whoa, Cas! Calm down, man. Look at me. Breathe just like I am. Good, you're doing good." Sam was giving exaggerated examples of breathing so that Castiel could mimic him. He could only guess as to where the Angel's thoughts have gone, but he could give a very educated guess. Screw whatever the hell was going on between the brothers, Sam was going to beat the shit out of his sibling for Cas' sake.

"Wh-what was that?" the other man asked wide-eyed.

"I think you just had a panic attack, man." Sam is definitely shooting his brother when he sees him again. "Let's just relax today, alright? We've had a lot of shit happen over the past few days, we need a breather. Sound good?" They can cover more ground when they're not as distracted, and Sam really could do with some time alone to himself.

"Yes...that sounds like a suitable idea," replied the blue eyed man.

* * *

"Is that budoir smile for me?" asked Crowley as he sat next to Dean. He gave a disgusted look to the dingy bar the two men had walked into 20 minutes ago. "This bar is a bust. Your prey, Gadreel, has left the building, if our preliminary search is any indication. So, it's time to move back onto more pressing matters-like destroying Abaddon," Crowley pleaded.

"Yeah. Good luck with that. The Knights of Hell aren't exactly the dying kind," Dean smiled darkly.

"That's where you're wrong, ducky. There is something that can kill a Knight: the weapon that the Archangels used to execute them-the first blade," retorted Crowley with a level of enthusiasm that caused Dean to roll his eyes.

"Never heard of it. Are you making this up? If you are, I'll kill you. No qualms whatsoever," replied Dean as he pulled out Ruby's knife to reinforce his statement.

"I've been chasing that blade for decades," Crowley interjected. "The closest I got to it was when one of my droogs-Smitty-got wind of a protege demon of Abaddon's who claimed knowledge of the blade. Sadly," he added, "before Smitty could nab the guy, a hunter by the name of John Winchester nabbed the protege. I was wondering if there is anything in the John Winchester Memorial Library that might lead us to the first blade-to killing Abaddon."

"I guess I _did_ promise you..." Dean sighed. He's starting to think that he should just stop making promises to shady people.

"I do love a good buddy comedy," smiled the Demon.

Dean chuckled darkly to himself before reaching back into his jacket to replace the knife and fish out his father's journal. He quickly flipped through, skimming until he found the area in it that corroborated with Crowley's story. The Demon meanwhile spared a glare for a man a few stools down before bringing back his attention to the Hunter.

"Oh, yeah. Here it is. Yeah, he picked up a protege who had bones with Abaddon, but that's about all it says," grumbled Dean. He failed to close the book before Crowley could steal a glance at the pages.

"What do those numbers in the margin mean?" the Demon asked pointedly. He is not going to allow the Hunter to hold out on him on such an important case.

"None of your business," he intoned.

"You're going to play hard to get? We have time for a montage?" retaliated the Demon in a tone full of sarcasm.

"It's a code. One of my dad's storage lockers," Dean concedes. "He may have put something about the case there."

"And what does the 'T' next to the numbers mean?" Curse the Demon's attention to detail.

"Not a clue."

"Fine. Let's go find Daddy's man cave then, shall we?"

"And how do I know this isn't a trap?" asked Dean with trepidation. He's had too much bad luck recently, and he would rather not add to it.

"You...don't. That's what makes it fun," smirked the Demon as he stood to take his leave.

The odd pair make their way out of the bar. Just as they step through the door, the man Crowley had eyed, turned towards a few others scattered throughout the place, and gave a signal before he walked out into the night as well.

* * *

After Dean and Crowley left to follow the lead from Tara, they found themselves outside of a quaint little abode. Tara, they discovered, had been another Hunter that had helped John with the Abaddon's underling. After scolding Dean for working with Crowley, she revealed that she had spent years of her life chasing after the blade, but was deterred when she couldn't find an ingredient that Crowley just so happened to have. If Dean's "it's a trap" bells, weren't ringing before, they're most definitely starting to now.

As the man stepped out of the Impala, he was stopped by the Demon speaking.

"Wait."

"What?" he snapped.

"I'm feeling something."

"Oh, cramps?" the Hunter replied sardonically, facing towards the house in front of them once again.

"I feel something dark," Crowley stated.

"What, darker than you?" Dean had to turn to the Demon for real now. What could possibly make the King of Hell nervous?

"Oh, no," he spoke as the two men watched a figure walk from behind the house. "We need to leave here now," the Demon hissed in undertone.

"What, are you allergic to bees?" Hm, you learn something new everyday.

"That's not a beekeeper. That's the father of _murder_ ," spoke the Demon with a terrified gleam in his eye.

"Sorry, who?" This asshole had to be pulling his leg because nothing of the past minute makes any sense. He has half a mind to just shoot the other man and continue with his life.

"It's Cain."

"As in Cain and Abel?" Dean decides right then and there that if Crowley is lying to him, he's killing him and he'll just have to figure out the Abaddon stuff on his own.

"Dean. We need to be a world away from here-from him," Crowley intoned.

"You're not going anywhere, Crowley," spoke the tall figure from behind the Hell spawn. There was an uninhibited chill that ran down Dean's back when he heard those words come out of the man that took off his beekeeper's hat. There was definitely something inhuman about him...which means that he should have listened to Crowley. _Fuck_.

* * *

After eating a simple breakfast with Sam and Kevin, Castiel took to walking around aimlessly throughout the bunker. He had the whole day to kill, and so he meandered in and out of rooms for hours without paying much attention. He spent a lot of time in the storage room, rummaging through odds and ends he came across. One item that caught his eye was a box that wasn't as dusty as everything else in the room with a note on top. It read:

_Hey, Charlie!_

_Not sure when I'll be able to get this to you since you're out doing Dorothy, lucky you by the way,_

_but here's my vintage collection of...well, you know. I don't need it anymore now that me and Cas_

_are together. Yeah, I know you were trying to give me hints that day we had a montage. You were_

_right, he IS dreamy. Anyway, I bequeath to you, my sovereign ruler, my skin mags and movies._

_Your Handmaiden,_

_-Dean_

The Angel didn't have the energy to try to comprehend what he'd just read. He doesn't know who Charlie is, but obviously he has some sort of rapport with Dean. It was disconcerting to know that there were people in Dean's life that he knows nothing about. He was quickly wandering through the halls before he finally just stepped into a random room. He hadn't realized where he'd ended up until he'd been standing in the room for a few minutes. The first thing he noticed was that he was in Dean's room, the second was that his anxiety levels had gone down just from standing there. He gave a frustrated sigh as he sat on the edge of the bed. What was he to do with himself? How can he fix what's wrong with their relationship? That is, if it still exists.

In an unabashed manner, Castiel found himself settling on the bed. What a relief it was to drown in his favorite scent. Before he knew it, he was sound asleep.

* * *

The unlikely pair had been forced into the house by Cain himself. Crowley is a nervous wreck on the couch, which does nothing for Dean's nerves by the way, and Dean can't help but state the obvious.

"Why can't you just zap out of here?"

"I'd never leave my domestic partner in crime, despite the fact that _you_ have no qualms about doing so," retorted Crowley.

"Really we're going to do this? Now?" Dean growled. It was none of this rat bastard's business about his issues with Castiel. "Since when the fuck do you care? Did your heart grow three sizes when I wasn't looking?" When the Demon remained quiet, Dean couldn't stop what he says next, "You can't zap outta here, can you? Cain got you limp or something?"

Crowley glares and responds in the affirmative.

"Well, it's not your day for getaways, is it?" asks Dean as he roams around, trying to find a way out of the house. The Hunter takes a moment to calm himself. He can't allow his attitude to get in the way of their escape. "Alright, so tell me about Cain."

"Well, after Cain killed Abel, he became a Demon."

"See, that worries me. What do you mean 'became a Demon'?"

"I mean he became the deadliest Demon to walk the face of the Earth. Killed thousands. The best at being the worst. And then he just...disappeared. Everyone thought he was dead-or at least hoped he was." Before the two men could continue their conversation, they were interrupted.

"Do either of you keep bees?" asked Cain from seemingly nowhere as he stepped into the living room. Oddly, he was carrying a tray of tea. "It's very relaxing. They're such noble creatures. And the honey, well, I keep it right on the comb." He passed a cup to the King of Hell who proceeded to uncontrollably shake. Or, perhaps, he was already shaking, and Dean just couldn't tell until there was a rattle to accompany the shake.

"They're dying, you know," the owner of the house continued. He passed a cup to Dean as well who merely stood there in shock. "Without bees, mankind will cease to exist. Fixing a cup for himself, the man continued, "So, what are the King of Hell and a Winchester doing at my house?"

"You know who we are?" inquired Dean curiously. He's not sure whether to be scared or impressed.

"I'm retired. I'm not dead," he retorted. "What I don't know is why you're looking for me-more importantly, how you found me."

"Ah-that's a funny story, really," Crowley nervously chuckled from next to Dean. "Bit of a misunderstanding. Really, we should-"

"Shhh," interrupted Cain. As soon as the man brought his finger down from his lip, Crowley was no longer able to form words.

"Oh, you gotta teach me how to do that," exclaimed Dean. Hell, with that power, the Winchester would have Crowley permanently on mute.

"Why are you here, Dean?" continued Cain.

"We're looking for the weapon the Archangels used to kill the Knights of Hell: the first blade. We need it to kill Abaddon." Cain's fist clenched by his side at the mention of that name. "Look, I get it, you're retired. We're not here to get between you and the Demonic AARP, but it's bad out there, and I'm just looking to even the odds."

"One last time-how did you find me?" The man really wanted this question answered. Dean could oblige him for now.

"We didn't. The location spell was for the blade. One-time deal," he answered.

"Anyone else know you're here?"

"No," Dean lied.

* * *

When Castiel came to a few hours later, it was to a growling stomach. He meandered into the kitchen to grab something to eat when he was confronted by Sam and Kevin.

"So, I know that I said we won't be doing any work today, but I got to thinking that we really could use some help around here," said Sam while Castiel fished around the cupboard looking for something edible. They'd need to go shopping soon.

"And what do you suggest we do, Sam?"

"Well, actually, Kevin-why don't you say it? It was your idea."

"I was thinking maybe we could bring Charlie back from Oz. She's really good with a computer, and we could use her expertise to track down Metratron and Gadreel."

Castiel's heart did a flutter at the name. Who is he? And why is he important to Dean...wait...

"She?" Castiel asked in a perplexed tone. "I thought it was a he."

"She's like the little sister Dean and I never wanted. I kind of feel bad for going to get her, but we need her. She can always go back if she wants," Sam gave in answer.

"I'm going to head out first thing tomorrow for Oz." Castiel didn't miss the excited gleam in Kevin's eye.

"I look forward to making her acquaintance, then."

* * *

"He was right, you know. You are worthy," said the Demon after driving in silence for too long.

"Oh great, now you're going to get all touchy-feely on me too?" The hunter, honestly, doesn't have the time nor the patience for this. He's tired and beat down from taking down all those demons that had stormed Cain's house.

"You're problem, mate, is that nobody hates you more than you do. Believe me, I've tried." Well, isn't that just part of his charm? He really cannot believe that he is hearing this from the King of Hell of ALL people.

"So, how do we find this blade?" asked Dean to change the subject.

"You can't search the bottom of the ocean, but I can," answered the Demon. He can tell when someone is avoiding a topic. "So, I'll find it, and bring it to its new owner," he continued. He daintily exited the car, but was stopped from walking off when Dean spoke again.

"I saw you, Crowley," he intoned while stepping out of Baby. "Back at Cain's. You dusted that undercard Demon, and then you just sat back and watched the main event. You knew. You knew about the mark, you knew about Abaddon and Cain. You knew all of it. And you played me. Why?"

"He would never have given me the blade. Who can say no to you? Hell, you've even got Angels on their knees for you, darling."

Dean's eyes wore a hard scowl, his jaw clenched hardly hiding his anger.

"I needed you to play along," the Demon smirked.

Dean can't hold back anymore and punches him. That smarmy dick's death has been on delay for way too fucking long. Crowley's talent seems to be in always making sure he is relevant, and it drives Dean insane. The taller man cannot wait for the day that he gets to rip the Demon a new one.

"Go find the blade. I don't want to see you until you've found it. If you come to me without it, or at least information on how to get it, I will not hesitate to kill you where you stand."

"Oh, you don't mean that, we're having fun," he smiled. "Take heed, love, we need all the help we can get. And, yes, that is _exactly_ what I mean," he finished before disappearing.

So that's it. Crowley isn't concerned about Dean and Castiel for the sake of their relationship, but for the sake of using them as pawns. Dean can't even find it in him to be upset about it because it's all he's good for: grunt work. And Castiel has been doing the same since the day he was created. He sighs as he gets back behind the wheel of his car. As he drives off, the Hunter can finally feel all the aches and pains from the earlier scuffle. He drives until he gets to a motel, and he checks in for the night, ready to crash. His night is filled with the dreams that have become a nightly occurrence.

It has been four years since Castiel has joined him in the pit, and Dean is ecstatic as he readies his tools for the day.

_"Hey, sweetheart, guess what?"_

_"What, Dean?" inquires Castiel after hardly a second of thought._

_"You're not even going to guess?" frowned Dean._

_"I have no premise with which to form even a partially educated guess. I'd rather not be wrong."_

_Dean couldn't keep his laugh to himself. The sound gave the Angel a look of bliss across his features; subconsciously, Dean knew that he was the one that put that smile there. Seeing that smile made him feel like his soul was slowly healing, but for what he couldn't know. He was going to make one sorry ass Demon, that's for sure._

_"It's our anniversary, baby," Dean smiled._

_"Anniversary?" Castiel asked. He turned his neck to show his confusion further. Or, at least as far as it could go with the Grace dampening collar around his neck._

_"Yeah, Cas! It's been four years since your sorry ass met my blade," Dean exclaimed. He can still recall those first trickles of blood. The memories gave him a shiver._

_"Oh...I was not made aware that was how things were run in Hell."_

_"Nah, you're just special, Cas. You're different from anyone else in here. I get bored with my other playmates, but you," he said as he pulled closer to the other man. "You are something out of this world," finished Dean. Slowly, he brought his hand to caress the cheek of the man in front of him, tentatively pressing their lips together. When he pulled back, the man brought the scalpel to the Angel's chest and carved his name into the skin._

_"Mine," Dean growled._

_"Yours," panted the Angel. "Always."_

_"Fuck, your pretty little heart is working over-time. What's got it all a-flutter?" teased Dean. He giggled when Castiel didn't answer him, he's so damn pretty when he's trying to repress how he feels. Dean kissed and licked to the middle of the other man's chest before he asked hardly above a whisper, "Can I see it?"_

_Castiel nodded without even considering the question for long._

_Dean pressed one last kiss to the pale skin in front of him before slicing once more below the surface._

The Hunter woke with a start.

* * *

A few days later, Castiel and Sam were doing research for the second or third day in a row. They were getting antsy for Kevin's return with Charlie, so they decided to look through the library for possible solutions to pass the time. As the clock chimed one in the morning, the Angel decided that he'd had enough for the day.

"Sam, we may as well go to sleep. Kevin will be here soon, and the books will still be here in the morning," croaked Castiel. Hours of disuse had taken its toll apparently.

"You're right, God, I didn't even realize how late it is. How long have we been at this?"

"I think we started at nine this morning...I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm going to shower."

"Alright. 'Night, man."

"Goodnight, Sam."

The younger Winchester knows that Castiel will go to his bedroom until after Sam has gone to his own. From there, he will sneak into Dean's bedroom. If it wasn't the most adorable thing he'd seen, he'd say it was pathetic because, in a way, it was. But Sam will indulge in his whimsy and allow Castiel that quirk without mentioning it. Dean will be hearing of it as soon as he stepped back in the bunker. In fact, there was a lot that Sam wants to talk to his brother about. Things that just can't be dealt with over the phone.

Castiel sat in his bedroom for a few minutes waiting for Sam to go into his own room. The Angel knows that Sam is aware of his sleeping pattern, and he is grateful that the other man hasn't questioned him about it because his answer is not one that he is comfortable saying out loud. Castiel is not sure that he and Dean are still together, and he really just wants to drown in the scent he has come to associate with love before it is taken away from him for certain.

The Angel spends what feels like an hour in Dean's shower before he stepped out into the room naked. He hears a surprised gasp just as he turns the corner. When he looks up, he sees the man he has been trying so hard not to think about, but had obviously failed in doing so. He can feel a blush of anger and embarrassment and arousal beginning to paint itself across his skin, luckily, Dean hadn't turned the light on when he'd walked in, so the only light present was the one shining from the bathroom behind Castiel. Slowly, his eyes take in the man before him...he barely registers that there is something different about him.

Dean curses to himself. He had waited to come to the bunker really late so that he could avoid seeing his brother and Castiel. Looks like he failed miserably at that.

The Angel awkwardly cleared his throat and spoke a little timidly, "I'm sorry for intruding, I will return to my room." Castiel tried to walk past Dean with as much dignity as walking naked would allow, but found himself being roughly pressed against Dean. "Dean?"

The taller man didn't answer verbally, but he did answer physically. Gripping onto the Angel, he inhaled the freshly showered scent from the pale skin laid bare. Licking a stripe from the base of his neck to his ear, Dean almost effortlessly had Castiel in a pile of trembling nerves.

Next thing he knew, the Angel was being tossed onto the bed. He watched as Dean stripped off his clothing and grabbed lube from the bedside table. Castiel felt goosebumps raise on his skin as Dean crawled over him, but when he leaned in for a kiss, the other man avoided his lips. This confused the Angel more than anything else.

Dean was not as gentle as he was used to while prepping him, but Castiel was afraid to speak. He didn't want to miss the opportunity to know his lover in an unexpected carnal encounter, especially in such a predicament. So far, the only noises in the room were the sounds of their heavy breathing and the bed adjusting to their movements.

Castiel was sure there was something wrong when he couldn't get the Hunter to make eye contact as he entered the Angel. That was the one thing that they always shared, a meaningful stare as they became whole. It felt wrong to not have that experience this time. He became still when he realized what was happening: Dean was using him for sex for gratification's sake. He'd never felt so hollow before, and he couldn't keep the tears from welling in his eyes.

Castiel's lack of participation didn't go unnoticed for long. When Dean finally met his eyes, the Angel could no longer hold back the sob he had been trying to stifle.

"Cas. Cas, what's wrong? Did I hurt you? Why didn't you say something?" asked Dean in a hurry. He quickly pulled off of the shorter man to check for bleeding and noticed that Castiel wasn't even aroused anymore. He started when Castiel placed a palm on his face, and used the other to guide Dean's member back to his entrance.

"It's ok, Dean," he whimpered. "It's ok, go ahead and finish. I can do this for you."

The Angel wasn't mad at Dean, his heart just felt heavy at the knowledge that he was being used for his body, rather than something to love, and use sex as the extension of that love. When Dean had promised to make love to him the first time, he had yet to break it until now. For Dean, though, he'll be whatever is needed.

Castiel quietly left the room when the Hunter reached his release. Now, Dean was stuck with his thoughts.

He can guess why the Angel had gotten emotional, and it made him feel sick inside. He hadn't intentionally set out to do such a thing to the other man, but now he has to live with the guilt that he caused that expression. The dream from a few days ago was now weighing heavily on his mind, and the shame that he made Castiel do something he couldn't possibly comprehend in the normal, human way. Someone with a heart like Castiel's cannot separate the carnal from the emotional. His relationship with the Angel was now something he could add to his list of things he failed to do right.

That night, Dean was left to ponder for hours before finally succumbing to slumber

* * *

. The following morning, Castiel walked into the kitchen to find that Sam was already making coffee.

"Did you sleep well, Cas?" inquired Sam. He knew Dean was home, and he can only imagine what the two men did last night.

Castiel merely shook his head. Sam didn't have time to ask just what happened when he heard his brother come into the room. He saw his friend immediately tense. Sam fixed his brother with a glare before turning to leave. "C'mon, Cas, let's go back to the library." He didn't want to subject his friend to his brother's presence.

The Angel turned to leave behind the younger Winchester when he saw something on Dean's forearm that caused his heart to race. It was pure luck that he didn't notice it last night. He yanked the arm of the man in front of him to get a better look. He nearly tore the shirt Dean was wearing in his attempt to see it.

"What the fuck, Cas?!" yelled Dean as he tried to regain his arm, but the other man held on tight.

Castiel gasped in horror when he saw the mark. He tossed the arm away from himself, and backed away shaking his head. He didn't say anything until Dean repeated his previous question.

"Dean, do you have any idea what you've done?!" exclaimed Castiel. If Castiel could warn his past self, he would. _Don't bother with Dean Winchester: he will teach you the meaning of Free Will while pointing a gun to both your heads._


	7. The Good Left Undone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is named after one of my favorite Rise Against songs, and it is very fitting for this chapter. The song tells a similar story to the one I've made for our favorite pair. Good news! I've mapped out the rest of the story (loosely) and there are potentially 7 more chapters, maaaaybe 5 b/c I might be able to combine a few of them if one of them is running a little short. Also, I don't ship Sastiel b/c it doesn't make sense to me. (I won't hate on it though) I just wanted to clarify that even though you are going to get a lot of Sam and Cas interactions for the next several chapters, this is still strictly a Destiel story. Now, I would tell you to enjoy, but this is just another morbid chapter :(

"Dean, do you have any idea what you have done?!" Castiel repeated when he didn't receive an answer the first time. Judging from the startled look on Dean's face, the Hunter must not know what he's done at all. Knowing Dean Winchester the way that he does, Castiel can guess that Dean just walked head first into the first thing that crossed his path that would potentially help in ridding the world of Abaddon.

"I know that it's the mark of Cain..." Dean spoke. Sure, Cain had mentioned consequences, but he didn't get into detail and, honestly, Dean would have taken the mark regardless. There was no other way of getting rid of Abaddon, so what choice does he have? Consequences be damned.

"Oh, so you _do_ know that much at least. What an astute observer you are, Dean," Castiel stated sarcastically. Why didn't Dean try to come to them so they could all work together? Sure, there's tension, but that's happened in the past, and they would work through it. They could have found another solution if Dean had just come to them first. The Angel watched as the other man's face darkened from fear to anger.

"And what does that mean, asshole?!" fired Dean. The Hunter cannot believe what he's just heard. Castiel must really be on a high horse to be talking that way to Dean. How many times has the Angel fallen for some ploy? How many time has Dean forgiven _him_?

"It means that you are an idiot," Castiel sneered. "Do you even know what that mark does?" he asked while he gestured to the other man's arm.

"Yeah, it'll let me kill the queen bitch which is all I need it to do," retorted Dean.

"That's not all it does," stated the Angel. If only the Hunter knew what he had subjected himself to. But...even if he had, would that have stopped Dean? Probably not. He was always the one willing to sacrifice himself for others. Castiel just wished that Dean would one day do something for _himself_.

"Oh yeah? And you just so happen to know?" Dean squints his eyes in disbelief.

"As a matter of fact I do."

"You gonna share with the class, Cas?" asked Dean while he spread his arms out when Castiel didn't elaborate.

"No. No, you are going to learn for yourself," said Castiel as he petulantly crossed his arms over his chest.

"You are so fucking pretentious, you know that?" Dean angrily exclaimed. "First, you won't tell me why the fuck I couldn't remember _actual_ Hell until a few months ago, and now you've decided that you're just going to keep _more_ things to yourself?! Just who the FUCK do you think you are?!"

"A man betrayed by the man he loves. That is who the 'fuck' I know I am," growled the Angel. He was seething now. He has never felt so angry or betrayed in his life. How could Dean do this? Has he not learned _anything_? Surely he is a more capable Hunter than this. _Of course he isn't_ thought Castiel to himself.

Dean scoffed in derision as he leaned against the counter, gripping it tightly. Just what betrayal is he talking about?

Castiel can only look in disbelief at the man across from him, thinking of what he could say next. "I will tell you, Dean, that there is a price that comes with that mark. A price that I don't think you're aware you've paid, quite frankly."

"What does the price matter for? I get to kill Abaddon, Cas," Dean shouted. Is the Angel listening to a word he's saying?

"I'm sure if you knew, you would have thought twice before allowing Cain to place that upon you."

"What're you talking about, Cas?" he said in an exasperated tone. Dean has done nothing except for what he himself has already been deemed his responsibility.

"I am speaking of the fact that I have resigned myself to a lot of things in the time I've known you," Castiel answered, pacing about the kitchen to help with the sheer anger boiling through him. "If you needed me to be a soldier for your cause, I did so. If you needed me to help you carry a burden, I became your strength. If all you needed was an empty hole to fuck into, I was that, too. I was even willing to take your love in the form of hatred, or as the dirt beneath your shoe because _anything_ in your presence is better than nothing at all, but this-this I cannot watch. Watching you crumble beneath the burden of that mark is something I refuse to see. You are going to destroy everything I have ever sacrificed for you." Castiel cannot fathom the gall of the man in front of him. Why must he be like this?

"What is going on? Why are you talking like this?" asked Dean perplexed. What has gotten into the Angel? None of this is making sense. He found a solution to their Demon problem, and here he is being chewed out for it.

"Because you are all I've ever known," Castiel answered. "I was created for _you_ : my entire existence only came about for _you_. But I don't know if I can forgive you for what are about to become. Even for the sake of the you that took me five years to fix."

"You mean the me that cut into you everyday for five years?" Dean shoots back bitterly. Flashes of what he has been remembering the past few months come to the surface, and he feels sick to his stomach.

"Yes," Castiel murmured. He recalls that delicate soul that had been torn asunder because of its time spent in Hell. The soul that he loved with his entire being and watched slowly heal itself. The torture was a means to an end: it wasn't the _real_ Dean. That was the Dean that had to do what was necessary to survive: a nerve laid bare. The Angel can still recall the pleas of the man before him after he rescued him from Hell. Those words still do nothing but send a stab of pain through his borrowed heart.

"How could you love such a monster, huh?" Dean shouted. "You know, I had another dream a few days ago. I kissed you, and then carved into your chest for your heart because I wanted to see your 'love' pulsating in my palm. What kind of freak deserves you after that?!" Dean has to curl his hand into a fist so that the man across from him can't see how hard its trembling.

"You. Because I know what lies beneath that rough exterior you are so keen to hide behind," countered Castiel.

"Yeah?" Dean spits sarcastically. "And what's that?"

"The most beautiful soul in all of Creation," Castiel answers in a tone of awe. "A soul made just for _me_. A soul that I saw struggling to burn brighter than the Hell Fire that almost consumed it. A soul that I nursed back to health in the only way that I know how: through forgiveness. And look at what you have done with that forgiveness. You have shoved it back into my face."

"Then why did you erase my memories?! Why won't you tell me?!" Dean roared.

"I cannot tell you, Dean." The Angel can feel an irrational amount of anger coursing through his veins. He wants to tell Dean everything, but if Dean is to keep his sanity, he needs to experience that memory for himself. Castiel wishes that that moment of weakness all those years ago could have been the one time he could have held steadfast to his own desires. They would not be in this predicament if Castiel hadn't coddled Dean.

"And what if I never remember?" inquires Dean with a hint of fear in his voice.

"I hope you don't," Castiel says barely audible. Not for the Angel's sake, but for his own. Dean is not ready to face the truth behind his missing memories.

"You know what, Cas? Fuck you," Dean hisses. He's had enough of this.

"You already did. Last night," Castiel retaliates. "I want you to cherish that last memory of us sharing a bed together because it will not be happening again. That heathen mark is the most repulsive thing I have ever laid eyes upon. It is a shame that such a pretty soul has marred itself for eternity. But I will not witness that firsthand."

There was silence for a beat before Dean realized what Castiel had just implied. "Are-are you kicking me out? Who the hell-"

"Yes," he answered simply.

"You can't make me leave," Dean exclaimed. Oh God, what's happening?

"Watch me," Castiel retorted, his eyes flashing angrily.

* * *

When Sam walked out of the kitchen, he didn't make it far before he saw Kevin and Charlie coming towards him. Kevin had opened his mouth to speak to Sam, but stopped when they heard yelling coming from the kitchen. The three of them turned in the direction of the sound and could do nothing but look at each other and wonder whether or not they should interfere.

The younger Winchester had wanted to walk in there, but he really wanted to hear Dean get his ass handed to him. What he hadn't expected was to learn things about his brother from when he was in Hell. There was so much to process, and his head was now spinning with all the knowledge he was gaining. But what he still doesn't know is what mark Castiel is talking about, nor why Dean has memory issues.

Just as he was about to step into the kitchen, Dean storms out and Sam couldn't help what he did next. Sam walked right up to his brother and gave him the hardest punch he could muster. He did it for himself, he did it for Castiel, and he did it for Dean because sometimes the only way to wake Dean up from his idiotic ways is a good soc to the jaw.

Breathing heavily, Sam barely registered Castiel stepping out of the kitchen as well. He watched as Dean went to gather the strength for a return punch, but was surprised when his older brother held back.

Dean had not been anticipating getting punched the moment he walked away from Castiel, but now that he had been, he was pissed. Just as he's getting ready to reciprocate the hit, he sees the frightened look on Charlie and Kevin's faces. He doesn't give himself time to think about where Charlie even came from when he just turns to his bedroom to grab his things and leave.

The trio watches as the Angel walks into the library in silence.

* * *

Castiel is in a daze when he finally hears the door to the bunker slam shut, signalling Dean's departure. His heart clenches painfully in his chest, and he can feel the familiar sting at the corner of his eyes. He hates being human, the constant whirling of his emotions is the most annoying thing he has ever had to endure. Emotions are weakness.

After a few minutes of silence, he hears the others walk into the library with him.

"Cas?" Sam speaks softly as if afraid to incur the Angel's wrath.

"Yes, Sam?" sighed Castiel.

"Are y-are you ok? What happened in there?" inquired Sam softly.

"What did you hear?" He may as well resign himself to the fact that he had a lot of explaining to do.

"All of it."

Castiel sighs.

"Dean has gone and found Cain, the man who killed his brother, Abel, and received his mark so that he can kill Abaddon," Castiel rushed. It was better to be blunt and precise with such revelations.

"Isn't that a good thing?" hesitates Charlie. The Angel turns a stern look to the unsuspecting ginger causing her to flinch.

Castiel has to fix his features before getting mad at someone that is ignorant of the situation. There is no reason to alienate himself from the people that haven't betrayed him.

"No. Because in doing so, he has condemned his soul to demonization," the Angel explains. There is a moment of silence before the news sinks in.

"Why didn't you tell him, Cas?!"Sam exclaims. Sure, he's mad at his brother, but he wouldn't wish demonization on him! But if what's he learned in the past 15 minutes means anything, then there's gotta be a way to turn it back...as long as they get to him on time.

"Because I am not going to coddle him anymore, Samuel," Castiel stated sternly. "There are consequences to his irrational behavior and he is going to learn one way or another! We are in this mess because I allowed him to get to me, but not anymore. Dean Winchester is going to learn to live with the consequences of rash decisions." Silence commenced while the Angel mentally went back through the argument he'd had just had with the eldest Winchester. He hadn't intended to break up with Dean, but perhaps it was for the best. This way, they could forget. He couldn't keep a stray tear from leaking down his face. He fiercely wiped it away.

"It'll be fine, Cas," consoled the younger Winchester. Sam honestly doesn't know what to do right now. Too much has transpired in the past week for him to be able to comprehend fully the circumstances they are in right now.

"You don't understand, Sam, I've been in love with that idiot for thousands of years," his voice cracked. He turned teary eyes to the younger Winchester. "And I mean that in the literal sense. I jus-what do I do now? I don't know anything else." Sam offered the Angel a shoulder to lean on as consolation. Sometimes there isn't much one can do other than to physically be there for those in need.

"Hey, um, I'll be right back, guys," said Charlie as she stepped out after a tense moment of silence.

When she stepped into the empty hallway, she took a minute to take a deep breath and quickly analyze everything that she's learned. She had been so excited to see Kevin in Oz because as fun as it had been, she was missing home. Ironic as that may be. Charlie was really excited to know that she was going to finally be able to meet Castiel in person! She'd read enough of the books and fan fiction to be a little intimidated by him, but she was eager to meet the man that stole her metaphorical brother's heart. Looking back at the past half hour, though, hasn't changed her mind about him. This is still the Castiel she read about, and the Castiel that Dean is still in love with despite the little (ok big) domestic mishap they just had. Charlie resolves herself to play peacekeeper and she reached into her pocket to type out a message:

_Dean, I don't know what's gotten into you,_

_but you're like my bro so I feel obligated_

_to tell you that if you ever need someone_

_to talk to, I'm here. Be careful. I love you._

D:

_I know._

She smiles at the answer. It's totally their thing, and it warms her heart to know that even though the two lovers (and Sam) might be having issues, they can fix this. Like they always do. She briskly walks to the kitchen and busies herself for a little while.

A few minutes later, Charlie was walking back into the library with tea for herself and for Castiel, the only other person still in the room.

* * *

Dean isn't conscious of where he's going at all. He's hardly paying attention to any of the laws of the road; the only thing he knows is that he needs to put as many miles between him and that hell-hole.

He's also pretty sure he's single right now.

Hardly two weeks ago he'd had the fuck of his life in the back of his car, and now he's here all on his own. No Angel in the seat next to him, and no little brother in the back seat to shoot disgusted faces at them in the rear-view mirror. What a life he's living now. He keeps a firm grip on his steering wheel and just races down the road.

* * *

"I'm sorry," Castiel begins after Charlie places the cups in front of them.

"For what?" she asks with a wary smile.

"I was looking forward to meeting you, but now I've gone and given you the worst impression of me," he mumbles.

"Are you kidding me? I've been wanting to meet you for a long time, Castiel! And the only impression I have of you is of an impassioned guy that cares a lot about an idiot that doesn't know any better," smiled Charlie. "Which was the same impression I was getting from the books, so if anything, you've only solidified what I admire about you," she blushed. _He's dreamier than I thought. Dean is so lucky_ she thinks to herself.

"Hmm," Castiel grunts having nothing else to say. It's difficult enough for him to interact with those he has known for years. He gets the feeling that Charlie isn't easily offended.

"If-uh, if you don't mind...can I ask you something?" she asks nervously.

"You may."

"Have you really been in love with Dean for thousands of years?"

Castiel nods before speaking. "I knew his name and what my service for him would be before I even heard my own name. Father made sure that I would become the Angel Dean would need, and when you're given something like that, how do you not fall in love with the object of your study? He is the only thing that I know better than anything else."

"Holy shit," sniffled Charlie. Castiel had been so lost in his own thoughts he hadn't realized his effect on Charlie.

"Did-did I say something wrong? I'm always so lost when it comes to human interactions," frowned Castiel.

"No. No, Cas, you didn't say anything wrong. I just-that's beautiful," replied Charlie, wiping at her eye. Silly, girly feelings. She's a sap for a good love story and she knows it.

"Yes, while it lasted," he said bitterly.

"Oh no, sir, we are not going to play that game, mister," she stated as she slapped the table in front of her. "You don't love someone for that long, and let them go at the first-sign of trouble. -Ok, not the first time, but you know what I mean."

"No, I don't, actually."

"I mean that you're going to find a way to accept that Dean's an idiot and love him anyway. Neither of you are dead, so there's still a chance to fix this."

"Why would I fix this?" Castiel has been working hard to be open to Charlie, but he's not going to just sit there and be told what to do. He mentally pauses when he realizes that that is a trait he must have picked up from Dean. He is caught between wanting to slam his fist down on the table, and quirking a smile.

"Because there is no one on this planet that gets you like he does and vice versa. Now," Charlie continued, changing her tone. "Kevin told me you guys need my help with tracking down some people, right? When we get the world back in order, we'll make sure to put _your_ world back in order."

"I don't care if Heaven gets back in order once the Angels are back there," stated Castiel.

"Good thing I wasn't talking about Heaven," she smirked.

* * *

Dean finally stops at a motel for the night, a good 10 hours later. The drive had taken it's toll on him, and he thinks about going out for a few drinks but decides against it. Now that doesn't have driving to distract him, all he can do is think back on earlier that morning. As he lays there on the lumpy bed, he brings his forearm up to the light of the bedside lamp. He constricts his hand into a fist and clenches his jaw. After 10 hours he can say that yeah, ok, maybe Castiel had been right and he allowed himself to be manipulated, but what choice did he have?

Who better to sacrifice themselves other than the Righteous Man? His birthright was to become the vessel for the strongest Archangel to help bring about the end of the Apocalypse, so why not do it one more time?

The longer he sits there, the more angered he seems to get. At everything: Castiel, his brother, Crowley, Abaddon, Gadreel, Metatron, but most of all...himself. But it was too late for all of that, he decided. Now, was the time to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Dean stands up from the bed, and heads to the shower hoping, that metaphorically he can absolve himself from the sins he is going to commit before he actually does them.

When he finally came out of the shower, he sent a text to Charlie:

 _I fucked up, Char. Like, royally_.

Ch:

_Meh. I wouldn't say royally. I'd say that you_

_fucked up pretty bad, but it's something that_

_you can fix._

D:

_Even if I could, I don't think I'd deserve to. I_

_can't keep dragging Sam and Cas and Kevin_

_and you through the mud anymore._

Ch:

_See! THAT'S your problem! Shouldn't WE get_

_to choose whether or not we want you in our_

_lives?_

D:

_But you don't even know what's happened, Char._

_You don't know what I've done._

Ch:

_Dean, you've been gone for like 11 hours, I've been_

_brought up to speed. And I think that despite your_

_apparent douchebaggery, Cas is still hopelessly in_

_love with your dumb ass, and Sam is your brother,_

_and you guys always fix things. And I'm pretty sure_

_Kevin's just happy to be alive_.

D:

_Well, at least one of us is still optimistic._

Ch:

_Ugh. Whatever, Debbie Downer, we still love you._

_We'll be here when you learn to love yourself._

* * *

The following morning, Charlie is barking out orders for Sam and Kevin when Castiel finally decides to come out of his bedroom. His own this time, Dean's has been soiled by far too many things for him to actually lay in it anymore.

"Do you really need all of this stuff, Charlie?" Sam asked with trepidation.

"Do you want to find those two Angels or not? I need those things to run facial recognition programs, police radio scanners from the around the country, and all kinds of computer geek stuff, alright? Plus, we've got to upgrade the internet around here. This connection is disgusting."

"Alright, I'm sorry, Charlie," chuckled Sam. "Come on, Kev, I'm gonna need some help carrying all of this stuff."

"Can I drive?" inquired Kevin excitedly.

"No," deadpanned Sam.

Castiel couldn't keep the small smile off his face at the interaction between his friends. He didn't envy the loneliness Dean must be experiencing.

"Good morning, Cas," came Charlie's chipper voice.

"Good morning Charlie," smiled the Angel.

"How did you sleep?"

"Horribly." There was no use lying, he didn't sleep well unless Dean was there. Those weekends that he would spend with Dean would be the only time that he would get any kind of consistent sleep.

Charlie frowned. "I'm sorry."

"You're not the one that needs to apologize," the Angel stated. Castiel can only hope that he can get over this because this morbid feeling that has been hanging over him for the past 24 hours has been overwhelming.

"Aw, come on. You need some cheering up! We've got ice cream in the freezer, the only thing we're missing is some cookies and an awesome movie!"

"I'd rather do some more research, Charlie."

"I wasn't asking you, Blue Eyes, I was telling you," she smiled. She pushed him towards the cupboards and yelled out ingredients for him to take out while she dug through the refrigerator.

Hours later, Sam and Kevin finally make it to the bunker just in time to see Charlie and Castiel in the kitchen cooking dinner.

* * *

After Dean read the last text from Charlie, he decided that it was time to sleep the day off. His only wish that it would be dreamless was not granted:

_Dean was greeted once again by the smell of sulfur and the sound of muffled cries. He smiles to himself as he busies himself with readying his tools for the day. He can't wait to be with his favorite being in the entire universe. He turns toward the Angel and his smile widens once more._

_"Good mornin', sunshine," he drawled._

_"Hello, Dean," answered the Angel._

_"Do you know what we have on the schedule for today?"_

_The other man squinted and turned his head in confusion. "I was not aware that there was a schedule to be upheld."_

_"Oh, there isn't an official one," he smirked._

_"Then what do you have planned for us, Dean?"_

_"Something absolutely riveting," he smiled wickedly._

_"I second that notion," sneered a voice from somewhere behind Dean. He couldn't stop from shivering when he recognized that voice. Alastair. "Are you having fun with your toy, Dean?"_

_Dean could only look straight into the Angel's eyes, there was no way that he could turn to look at the man that broke him._

_"I asked you a question."_

_Dean hardly suppressed the pained whimper that was caught in his throat before he answered curtly, "Yes."_

_The Hunter stiffened when he felt the hand of his tormentor at the small of his back, his hot breath at this throat._

_"Well, get on with it, Dean. I wanna watch you play. Daddy's got babysit sometimes. Has to make sure his little Demons play by the rules."_

_Dean brings a shaking hand over to his tools. He might still cut into the Angel, but it was with less and less frequency and violence that he did so. He had to keep up appearances, after all. But having Alastair right there, he knew he was going to resort to darker methods that he hasn't done in years. As he picks up a red hot poker, he brings his gaze to meet the Angel's. He can only hope that Castiel can see the amount of regret he feels as they share a meaningful gaze._

_For hours upon hours, Dean brings sharp, rusty tool after sharp, rusty tool, bringing shouts of pain from the Angel. Alastair's cackle was present the entire time, hardly heard over the shouts of Castiel._

_"Alright, Dean, enough. It looks like my favorite student has been behaving himself after all. Such a good boy you are," the Demon teases. The Hunter gives a forced smile until the man leaves the chamber. As soon as they are alone, Dean breaks down. He chokes out the tears he had been holding back all day as he carved into the being in front of him._

_"Dean," pants the Angel._

_The man cannot bring himself to look at him. He stayed crouched where he fell when his emotions were too strong to stay upright. Castiel allowed him a few minutes more before speaking again._

_"Dean, please look at me," he pleaded._

_When Dean finally met his gaze, his breath hitched at the gaze he was met with. There was love written in those ocean-deep eyes._

_"I'm so sorry, Cas, we're gonna get you outta here somehow, ok? I can't do that again."_

_"It's ok, Dean, I forgive you." Despite what he's just said, Dean cannot take the forgiveness, he doesn't deserve it. He surges forward to catch the lips of the divine being in front of him. Roughly, he kisses the Angel before he pulls back._

_"Why?!" he exclaimed loudly. Why does he keep getting forgiven? For what purpose?_

_"Because I love you."_

_Hearing that line caused something to break inside of him. He picked up one of the knives that was still dripping with blood, and slit the Angel's throat. Nobody can love a fuck-up like him._

Dean sat up in his bed with his face full of moisture and ragged breath coursing through his lungs.

"Hello, love, what's got you in a tizzy?"

He knew he should have warded the room.

"Fuck off, Crowley."

"Is that how we greet guests? Tsk. Tsk."

"What do you want?! Do you remember my promise to you?" Dean yelled.

"Well," the Demon scoffed. "I came by to give you the good news."

Dean perked up. "Yeah?"

"I've found the wretched blade. Now, when do we start looking for the Queen Bee?" Crowley smirked.

"Give me a few hours and I'll be good to go," Dean replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Reviews are love. I do have a question, if there was a way for me to fit into the story for Castiel to get his Grace back...would you want him to? I'm leaning towards no, but I want to know what you guys think :) I'll have another chapter up ASAP!


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